I never died before!!!

So yeah, I really do suck at this blogging thing. I keep saying "Yeah I'll get to it, I'll get to it..." But, alas, I am fucking lazy.

With that said, I AM SORRY!!! Not like I think anyone has really minded - I have had no complaints about my lack of blogging. No, "Hey man, I wanna feel better about my life, so post one of your more drab and depressing episodes"... Which, in the end, I guess is a good thing!

But now I feel like I need to post because I haven't.

So what to say....hmmm...

What can I blog about that wouldn't be boring to the point of tears? What is it that I could discuss - albeit one-sidedly - that would capture the attention of anyone who has the unfortunate occasion to read my drivel?

I GOT IT! ONIONS!!!

Now I have the theme, but do I go back to my song lyric fueled verbal montage?

Hmmm... a song... what song?

I GOT IT!!!!

"I never died before....
Can't live what happened yesterday...
I never Stoned the Crow."

What to make of this? Nothing really...except that all that is true. I never died before. Not many have and lived to tell about it! I also can't live what happened yesterday, though I try to in one way or another, and I have just realized this...

I just got back from New Orleans from a great session of 'steam release' (a.k.a. drinking and eating so much it would have killed those of a lesser consistency) and ever since then I have been questioning myself and my motives for doing what I do - in work, at home, in life, socially.

Problem is, there are no 'do overs'...you don't get a mulligan in life. Nothing erases what's been done - things just get covered by another layer of life's onion. Eventually, when you pull back those layers, there they are... You can call it experience, you can call it a learning curve, you can call it a series of fuck ups. Whatever makes you sleep better at night - in any case, there they are...buried under layers and layers of stuff that makes you cry.

For me, my onion is weird. I have many, many layers all intertwined. I have made many, MANY decisions that I KNOW were wrong but I did it anyway (gambling, choosing wrong woman, choosing wrong pair of pants, etc), but WHY??? This is the internal struggle I deal with daily. Coupled with bad luck, this onion has 4 billion layers and I feel like I can't find a way to get out from between them, sometimes.

"A bout of deep depression
Can't seem to move it forward
My lying eyes lie awake
Not sure what I am after"

Here is a really good example...

Recently, I was talking to an old 'crush'... we went to HS together, though she was older than I. We hung out at the same places after school...but she had no idea I existed.

Fast forward about 8 years, and we wind up working for the same company...really odd and random. We become fast friends and actually went on a nice date. Almost immediately after she quits and we lose touch...

Fast forward another, oh, 15 years, and I happen to find her online - and she remembers me! Pretty cool, I think...AND she's still really good looking! WOO!

Fast forward to recent times, and we chat on the phone and had what I felt was a fantastic conversation. She told me how charming she thought I was then, and that she has thought about me a lot over the years - wondering what had ever happened to me - and was thrilled that I had found her online.

All this is great stuff... But she now has seemingly disappeared again and I have no way to contact her. This happened immediately after we talked...I feel like a black cloud has ME on GPS.

Am I all tore up, no, but it's a repeated theme - stuff like this has happened before...maybe not carbon copy, note-for-note, but similar in nature and result. It gets frustrating.

Things like this make me question what it is that I truly am after...and if I even CAN move forward. At the same time, I need to be true to myself and never give up. I question what I believe in, but I do feel this is healthy, I think...

"Flip through endless stories
A life of Handwritten pain
No one can share this hurt that is mine, mine, mine..."

Each layer of life's onion is another set of stories that are permanently etched in our memories, our personalities, our conscious and subconscious thought processes - this we have established. And while this is my personal version of 'handwritten pain' that Mr. Anselmo speaks about here, I DO think that people can share my hurt. I just don't think that I would want them to. Frankly, I don't know anyone WILLING to... I can just hear this happening:

"Yo, Mike! Come on over and spill your tales of woe! I have a bunch of aspirin and 3 bottles of vodka that are doing nothing right now!"

Or

"Mike, you are so beautifully sad...I want to sink to your level...can we be together forever?"

This is when I would run the other way. Fast. Over tacks. With no shoes and/or socks. In the snow. Uphill. Both ways. Etc, etc etc...feel free to add on to this sentence!

The point is, when Phil says that no one can share his pain, I think it's more that he doesn't want to share it. I do, and I don't. I'll be the first to admit, I would to it to get some attention. We ALL do. And if you say you don't, you are in denial. Everyone wants to feel important, or have attention paid to them. Peel back the layers of your own personal onion and tell me I am wrong, I dare you. No one is completely selfless.

In the end, this is the WRONG way to garner attention...I think I have better qualities than bad luck (that I create) and self-destruction that I can garner attention for.

"No matter what I try,
No matter what I say
I'm blamed
I'm shamed
I'm judged unfairly"


Now, I'm not saying I need to be the center of attention. Not at all... Those that have been privy to my "Irish Goodbye's" at gatherings should know this. Sometimes I like being covert and slightly invisible...but on my own terms! :-)

I think we all feel that we are right with our feelings - again, we all want to feel important - but sometimes it's to our detriment. When you close yourself off from other opinions and do, in fact, feel like you are being judged unfairly, you are doing yourself a great disservice. However, if you don't want to get to that point in the first place, stop sharing your pain!!! Add another layer to the onion over it. The pain will always be there if you ever want to revisit it. Just peel the layer back. However, if you do, (and I know I have done this...so learn from me) don't play the victim. You peeled back the layers...you exposed it. It's your doing.

For me, this IS my catharsis...this is the way I pull myself out from between the layers...I put it out there. Yeah, seems hypocritical, but I am not 'sharing' it. I'm not looking to bring you, the reader, down with me, but rather have you take what I have learned and use it for yourself.

However, I will say that I have no idea what I am saying...so take it for what it is. I'm thirsty.

- Mike


Lyrics used as inspiration
stolen from
"Stone The Crow" by DOWN
off their 1995 release "NOLA"

Well, I guess I suck at blogging...

I guess I haven't taken the time out to really think about what it is that I have been wanting to write here. It's been months...so no one could ever accuse me of rushing into things, but still...

Those of you that know me know it's been a rough few months - my ex from 2010 and I got back together (kinda) but that didn't work..which sucked...

Then I got back together with an ex from 2003...

That REALLY didn't work...and it sucked even more, because it started so GOOD...c'est la vie, eh?

So basically I am over relationships for the time being - I think. Who knows? I certainly don't...

I have also come to the realization that while everything DOES happen for a reason, we as people don't know what that reason is (though we think we do) and we hide behind that excuse. It's like people who blindly follow religion, and when something adverse happens, it's "God's way of telling us something" or, it's "God's plan".

Bah.

Your kid fell out of a tree and broke their arm because they were reckless...not because its God's plan.

My ex and I didn't get back together and break up because God said so, or he wanted me to learn something - we got back together cause we wanted to get our rocks off, and we so happened to want to continue to see each other after...

I don't lose all my money gambling because some deity has a plan for me...it's because I have a gambling problem and I don't know when to stop!!! I don't blame God for my problems (though I may ask him for help every now and again - falls on deaf ears, if he has them), I blame ME for my problems. We lack so much accountability in this world that it sucks. Everyone is just waiting for someone else to clean the mess up - never a volunteer - but everyone has NO PROBLEM pointing their finger in the direction of who should be to blame, or who is responsible.

Look at our recent financial travesty as a country: we are pointing fingers all over the place blaming people, playing the hindsight game, wasting time, resources and money (lots of it), making threats... GET OVER YOURSELVES AND GET THIS SHIT DONE! It shouldn't have taken until the 11th hour to get a deal semi-done. That was a little ridiculous.

Dems blaming GOP, GOP blaming Dems, Al Franken is a douche, Bill O'Reilly is an ass...

WHO GIVES A RATS ASS?!?!?!?! GET THE F**KING JOB DONE, AND DONE RIGHT!

All this posturing and polarization...what has it all done? It reduced our AAA rating via S&P - who are responsible for a lot of this mess in the first place, so fuck them - it made the stock market become attached to a friggin' bungee cord, it didn't really solve anything, and created more issues then it solved.

I agree with Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, that we should pull our donations to campaign funds from these political jack-holes that got us in this mess - BOTH SIDES... Democrats AND Republicans! Hit THEM where it hurts, in their campaign coffers, and show these guys that WE elected them - and we have the power to kill their re-election. Send that message to those who lack accountability and point their fingers at others as opposed to trying to fix the problem! WE ELECTED THEM TO MAKE THINGS BETTER...are they better?

It's not Obama's fault - he is the figurehead and therefore the scapegoat - it's all the other politicians faults. Everyone is protecting their interests without paying attention to the people they should be protecting in the first place.

Accountability is what makes you a person - you fess up to your mistakes, and no one bothers you when you take a bow for your successes. You need to be real...

In my job, I see it all the time....I have one particular employee that is so hell bent on not getting in trouble, that he makes 20 billion excuses for everything. I would have a ton of respect for a "I screwed up" response rather than a "oh, well...um...there was a cat, and then UPS came and ran the cat over, and I had to clean the blood off my shoes, and that's why I am late..."

Do the right thing for yourself - admit a mistake...yes, it sucks because we are all human and we all like to be right. But, we ARE HUMAN and are prone to mistakes/failure. It's humbling, and it sucks, but learn from it and move on...

Wow, I really just went off on this...cool!

L8r

- M

It's been a while... (no, I'm not going to use Staind lyrics)

Well, needless to say things have been busy. I know that I had said previously that I would try and do a better job of updating and writing and stuff, but that has not come to fruition - due to 5000 things going on and having to DE-prioritize my writing outlet.

Some of you have missed me - awwwww...how sweet.

Most have no idea that I still draw oxygen through my lungs.

That's ok, too...

So anyhow, been an eventful few months. Work has been really busy, but not completely horrible - but we'll see what the next couple of months hold in store (no pun intended) for me.

Took my yearly pilgrimage to NAMM in CA...got to see lots of old friends and was a good time.

Started new psoriasis meds. They are working with limited side effects, though I do feel a bit more run down than usual - there is always something.

And I am now doing a LOT more recording/playing/composing of music. Working with a couple of friends on stuff for possible inclusion in all different types of media. Don't wanna go too deep into it as I do not want to jinx anything at this point - or ever, actually... :-)

But what that does for me is it helps focus my addictive personality toward something I actually LOVE - MUSIC!

Music is, was, and will continue to be my life. If I didn't have music I wouldn't have anything. I wouldn't want to lose ANY of my senses, but if I had to choose an order of loss, hearing would be near the bottom of the list. Ironically, with musicians it's usually the FIRST to go after years of ear abuse. And I abused my ears. A lot.

This new venture also feeds another addiction - buying shit! I love toys...musical toys are among the best, and I would love to buy everything. However, I do not have an endless stream of disposable income. Hell, I don't even have a slow trickle of disposable income, so this impulse has to be tempered. Though sometimes my frugality in these situations pays off HUGE!

I was in musical instrument store that my company works with to do a little shopping - basically to browse, but with intent. Was with a co-worker and we were discussing wish list type items for our respective studios, etc, and decided on a couple of items we wanted.

My co-worker then pointed out this:

Universal Audio UAD2 Solo card

Well, that got me off track, as I had set my mind on something else. *Sigh* So I opted to get it.

As I finished my transaction, the salesman said "ya know what, lemme open the box to make sure everything is there..." I'm glad he did.

Not only were things missing, but the pci-e card was actually broken (a capacitor had fallen off) and it was evident that this was used and returned. So, I immediately asked to return it, and instead purchased my first option which was this:

Guitar Rig 4 Pro w/ Rig Kontrol 3

So, as we were finishing the new transaction, I was asked sorta off the cuff if I would want the broken card for $20... Half-joking, I said yes. What the hell, at least the plug-ins would be worth more than $20 (the package is normally $399). At worst, maybe someone would wanna try and fix it.

I get home and install the software, and for the hell of it I install the card to see if I could watch a puff of smoke come out when I turn on the computer.

The f**king card works perfectly. Been a week and no issues to this point at all. And that is a good thing, because I found out you can't use the plug-ins WITHOUT the card anyway!

So in the end, as Borat would say, "Great Success!" I needed a win.

Then this week while I was in Rochester, I was scouring Craigslist for any cool deals or anything of interest to me... Found an ad for a Zakk Wylde Camouflage Les Paul for $300. Of course, I wrote to the guy and asked 50 questions. He replied with a phone number. Now, to me that is odd...but I guess in the Craigslist world there are tons of fakes and people that aren't really interested, so I guess I had to prove my mettle.

Still, I was a bit put off by not having my questions answered, so I waited a couple of days to call. Finally called yesterday at about 1:30pm - my flight home was 5 pm - and after talking to the owner for a bit I got him down to $300 w/hardshell case (I needed it for the plane!). At this point I am worried about time. Turns out he lives 6 min from the airport - WIN! Now I'm REALLY hoping that the neck is straight, that there is nothing traumatic with the guitar, as this is a pretty good deal.

So how did it end???


There it is...

Probably 9/10 condition. Def needs new strings and a polish, but other than that is in near mint condition. I may replace the pickups with active EMG's to get that real BIG sound, but right now its a good player.

Next on the wish list is the Axe-Fx by Fractal Audio...THIS will take a while to get. Costs about $2k, but seems and sounds like its worth every friggin' penny. I encourage all working/recording musicians to check it out...it's outstanding.

And I'd like to get some Universal Audio LA-610 compressors...that would be nice...donations accepted :-P

L8r!