"Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me..."
- Godsmack, 1997
So, it seems as if my last blog was taken as the pity party that it was never intended to be (and noted by this author as something that it really WASN'T)...
So, before I get into my actual blog, here are some answers for...well, everyone I guess... :-)
1) Again, I'm NOT looking for pity
2) I'm NOT soliciting for answers
3) I DO understand that things happen for a reason - I just don't know what that reason is. I believe it's fair to wonder what that is from time to time...
4) Yes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but it IS killing me right now...so I'm not strengthened. I'm living through it, and it's rough...
5) No, that comment you read that you thought was about you probably wasn't about you...but if you have a guilty conscience about it, then yeah, it WAS about you...how do ya feel NOW? :-P
6) No, there was no one singular event that set this off...this 'depression' is the sum of its parts: Bad Luck + more bad luck + bad timing + overworking + loneliness = where I am now...
7) A GENERAL SHOUT OUT - IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU OWE ME MONEY, I REALLY COULD USE IT!!!!! Thank you...
Over time, all this was created, and over time, this too shall pass...but in the meantime, I'm pretty pissed and upset, and you know what, I'm ALLOWED to feel this way. Walk a mile - nay, 35 feet in my shoes, and then tell me how you feel...
*shiver*
Ok, now that I got THAT off my chest...
____________________________________________________________________
"Maybe in the meantime wait and see..."
- Spacehog, 1995
So, to say the least, this has been an unnerving week...
Because I cannot get too deep in detail, let's just say it ended better than it started...and if it hadn't, there would be a lot of questions left to answer that I think I wouldn't want to even be asked - or ask of myself.
Now, with firmer footing and something resembling a game-plan in place (until it falls apart) I feel a little more confident...taking a 'wait and see' kind of approach to my professional life, and to a smaller extent my personal life.
I am trying not to react as violently (emotionally) to all the negativity that permeates my psyche. After that, then I can work on keeping it out, but baby steps first...
I wanna go fishing...ugh... been taking way too long to get out on the water, and now summer is gone - but hey, at least its striper, blues, and blackfish season!!!
And again, it's fall - probably my favorite season...and good things are happening already - the Jets don't have a losing record, the Mets AGAIN were eliminated on the last day of the season (har har har!!) - but, no Yankees in the playoffs. *Sigh* I guess 13 years in a row was a good run...
"We love the all the all of you
Our lands are green and sky is blue
When all in all we're just like you
We love the all of you..."
Ok, so I am still not sure what any of that means, but I gotta keep in with my song theme and periodically drop in lyrics... So there they are...
Um...where was I...
Oh...I remember... So, I'm looking to see if I can go on vacation in November - head on down to Florida to blow off a LOT of steam. And I wanna go to Epcot- the International Food and Wine Festival is going on through Nov 9, and I wanna get there before it ends. The cool part about this festival is that they have bands that play as well - and they are the ABSOLUTE cheesiest bands on the planet - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, David Cassidy, En Vogue, and of course, the mighty Night Ranger. Who DOESN'T wanna say they went to Epcot to go see Night Ranger. I am all aflutter at the thought...
In reality, though, I really do wanna make it to this festival - the best chefs are on display giving demonstrations, there is lots of food, wine, and beer from around the world, and I can go for free! (It's good to know people)
So, if you wanna go, lemme know...and if I like you enough, maybe we'll make plans...
"Well that sounds fine so I'll see ya sunshine
Give my love to the future of the humankind
OK, OK, that's not OK
and while it's on my mind there's a girl to fit the crime
of a future lovers dream that I've still to find
But In the Meantime..."
Yeah, what he said...
Anyways, this is not much of a blog - I think I write better when I am completely and utterly miserable, as opposed to now when I am only partially and moderately annoyed.
Yes, that was a joke...kinda...
I need a better song to write along with... OH SHIT!! Forgot I started this off with Godsmack!!!!
"Twistin' everything around that you say, yeah!
Smack me in my mouth 200 times every other day
Rag me, I don't hear you anymore, not yet
Find out what it means to me, I don't know who you are"
Dammit...I got nuttin'... Next time, I promise....
L8r...
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
I Will Never Be Deceived...
"Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause your the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill..."
- Orgy, 1998
I am swirling in a downward spiral due to a cesspool that I have partially created, but mostly leaves me a victim of circumstance.
I find myself becoming consumed by everything - too much work, not enough free time, free time I have spend somewhere between 11pm and 2am looking for new people to talk to or being rejected by those I already know.
I haven't been out of the house the past few weekends for more than buying food - no fun...Jack has officially become a dull boy.
No distractions leave me thinking too much about what is consuming me too often. It's manifesting itself physically. I cannot sleep without assistance because I fear I will wake up several times thinking about work - and I am usually right.
I have had 3 days off since August 9... I am so very tired...
"If it stayed I'd never leave it if that turned around
I'd grieve the special dirty things that we used to talk about
I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout,
Oh no it's you again"
For the life of me I just can't understand what it is that I have to do to get the attention of some people...
Thing is, in my (non) dating life, the people I kinda fall for are those that seem 'needy' in one way or another, are dysfunctional in some fashion, or just plain fucked up. And I am the asshole who sits there and repeats trends - bailing people out with money I can ill afford to lend only to have it never paid back, crossing my fingers that after I do something nice for someone that they'll actually be friends with me and not take advantage...
But I am proven wrong most of the time and the "Oh no its you again" line keeps coming back to haunt me.
What is wrong with me? Or is it me? Or my choices? Or just that people are just so fucked and self-absorbed that they'll be just nice enough to suck you in and then fuck you over without them losing an ounce of sleep.
As I have said in the past, I don't wanna change this part of me, because I like and enjoy being a giving and helpful person... I just want to know when Karma is gonna pay me a visit and help ME out for a change.
I always think, "Well, maybe I should have died today, but Karma was paying you back by keeping you going another day". I dunno...maybe that is true, but really, is there any way to really know? For real, I need a Karma Payback flow chart and see where I lie on it all...I wanna know if I still owe or if I'm owed - and if I can cash in...
I think I deserve better - in ALL aspects of my life. I've put in blood , sweat, and tears, and I feel, for the most part, that the most I have gotten is an 'Atta boy!' and a kick in the pancreas.
This isn't meant to be a pity session here, if that is what is being thought. No...what it is is a venting session. I have held in too much for too long and am destined to explode if I don't get some of this out...
Now, if you have read any of my past blogs, you know I am a bit more specific on certain things, but I can;t this time...these are more conceptual issues...philosophical in nature. Things where lines are blurred - and not chemically. This isn't outside the box, it is why the box even exists in the first place... and does it have a purpose or is it still undefined potential.
"So precious you know
This hate of mine exploded
I'm so deranged you know
I will never be deceived"
For all my bitching about getting taken advantage of, I do have to say that I KNOW it's coming...I'm just hopeful that it really won't endup that way...but alas...
I'm not ever deceived, I'm just a schmuck...hoping that people are inherently good. I do wish that to be the case...I really do... The optimism isn't really there, though, and there inlies the problem - my hatred and eventual DIStrust becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I almost make people fuck me over I think... I set myself up for failure right from the outset.
I'm my own easiest victim and my own worst enemy all rolled into one...
"Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause you're the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill"
I hope that those that have fucked me over are relishing the moment at least... Enjoy the thrill...eventually that thrill is gone... I am not toy - I don't come with kung-fu grip, nor do I enjoy being played with. I am not a chess piece - I am not a pawn in your personal chess game.
Checkmate.
"I will never be deceived"
Till next time...
- Mike
p.s. Anyone wanna go to Florida with me early November? looking for travel partner...maybe...
Lyrics stolen from "Stitches" by Orgy
from the 1998 release "Candyass"
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause your the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill..."
- Orgy, 1998
I am swirling in a downward spiral due to a cesspool that I have partially created, but mostly leaves me a victim of circumstance.
I find myself becoming consumed by everything - too much work, not enough free time, free time I have spend somewhere between 11pm and 2am looking for new people to talk to or being rejected by those I already know.
I haven't been out of the house the past few weekends for more than buying food - no fun...Jack has officially become a dull boy.
No distractions leave me thinking too much about what is consuming me too often. It's manifesting itself physically. I cannot sleep without assistance because I fear I will wake up several times thinking about work - and I am usually right.
I have had 3 days off since August 9... I am so very tired...
"If it stayed I'd never leave it if that turned around
I'd grieve the special dirty things that we used to talk about
I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout,
Oh no it's you again"
For the life of me I just can't understand what it is that I have to do to get the attention of some people...
Thing is, in my (non) dating life, the people I kinda fall for are those that seem 'needy' in one way or another, are dysfunctional in some fashion, or just plain fucked up. And I am the asshole who sits there and repeats trends - bailing people out with money I can ill afford to lend only to have it never paid back, crossing my fingers that after I do something nice for someone that they'll actually be friends with me and not take advantage...
But I am proven wrong most of the time and the "Oh no its you again" line keeps coming back to haunt me.
What is wrong with me? Or is it me? Or my choices? Or just that people are just so fucked and self-absorbed that they'll be just nice enough to suck you in and then fuck you over without them losing an ounce of sleep.
As I have said in the past, I don't wanna change this part of me, because I like and enjoy being a giving and helpful person... I just want to know when Karma is gonna pay me a visit and help ME out for a change.
I always think, "Well, maybe I should have died today, but Karma was paying you back by keeping you going another day". I dunno...maybe that is true, but really, is there any way to really know? For real, I need a Karma Payback flow chart and see where I lie on it all...I wanna know if I still owe or if I'm owed - and if I can cash in...
I think I deserve better - in ALL aspects of my life. I've put in blood , sweat, and tears, and I feel, for the most part, that the most I have gotten is an 'Atta boy!' and a kick in the pancreas.
This isn't meant to be a pity session here, if that is what is being thought. No...what it is is a venting session. I have held in too much for too long and am destined to explode if I don't get some of this out...
Now, if you have read any of my past blogs, you know I am a bit more specific on certain things, but I can;t this time...these are more conceptual issues...philosophical in nature. Things where lines are blurred - and not chemically. This isn't outside the box, it is why the box even exists in the first place... and does it have a purpose or is it still undefined potential.
"So precious you know
This hate of mine exploded
I'm so deranged you know
I will never be deceived"
For all my bitching about getting taken advantage of, I do have to say that I KNOW it's coming...I'm just hopeful that it really won't endup that way...but alas...
I'm not ever deceived, I'm just a schmuck...hoping that people are inherently good. I do wish that to be the case...I really do... The optimism isn't really there, though, and there inlies the problem - my hatred and eventual DIStrust becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I almost make people fuck me over I think... I set myself up for failure right from the outset.
I'm my own easiest victim and my own worst enemy all rolled into one...
"Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause you're the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill"
I hope that those that have fucked me over are relishing the moment at least... Enjoy the thrill...eventually that thrill is gone... I am not toy - I don't come with kung-fu grip, nor do I enjoy being played with. I am not a chess piece - I am not a pawn in your personal chess game.
Checkmate.
"I will never be deceived"
Till next time...
- Mike
p.s. Anyone wanna go to Florida with me early November? looking for travel partner...maybe...
Lyrics stolen from "Stitches" by Orgy
from the 1998 release "Candyass"
Monday, June 23, 2008
This, that, and the other this...a loss of humor...
"Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town!"
- George Carlin (1937-2008)
SO, I wake up this morning, KNOWING that the day isn't looking so well right from the get-go due to an e-mail I got last night. I turn on my computer, open Yahoo, and low and behold the first thing I see is that my comedic hero, George Carlin, has passed away.
While that may not mean much to some of you, for me it's a big deal. I have had 2 favorite comedians in life - George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg - and they are both now dead.
These two geniuses gave me more than Santa Claus has over the years. And those gifts can be revisited, thankfully, through DVD and CD... However, the creativity lost by their deaths is something that can't be replaced, and I do feel that we are worse off not having them in this world.
But rather than dwell on the loss anymore, I want to celebrate their lives through their greatest quotes...and spinning my life around them:
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
- George Carlin
Let's look at how the rest of the day went... I was on conference calls all day to resolve a work issue that never should have happened in the first place. I had someone screaming at me on the phone because they wish there to be a traffic light outside one of the stores I look after (somehow this is my fault). One of my dogs is pretty sick and can't keep food down... *sigh*
Whatever...
I know in my heart of hearts that I can't change anyone who has a Death Wish, I guess, but I just want things to go smooth and for people to do what they are told and taught...and NOT TO BE A MORON. In this day and age, relationships and jobs and money are too fleeting to go and fuck it all up. Enjoy life, do the best you can, and then try to do a little better - there is always room for improvement. People ARE most certainly fucked. Which one will you be? The fucker or the fuckee?
Try to be neither... Just be a good person to yourself and others... I sound like such a filthy hippie...
"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who would be mad at me for saying that."
- Mitch Hedberg
I really think I am over dating again...not like I was ever 'pro dating'. I hate it...but I guess to find someone to watch movies with regularly it's necessary. I'm in the dating pool now...right now I think its the shallow end... (A fine play on words if you ask me) I'm not going to say if there are 'persons of interest', but I will say that I have a fondness... Just never know what direction it's gonna go... The last person I wrote about went hideously bad....and I knew it was just a matter of time before it did go bad, but I am always hopeful.
I am the occasional optimist...
I was just telling someone tonite that everything I like is bad for me: Gambling, Smoking (not that I really like it, but I do it regularly), soda, red meat, women... So I figure, when I like someone, they must be bad for me - mainly because I like them.
I'm an idiot.
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
- George Carlin
Well, I can sympathize... Perception is key here... I make just enough not to quit, but I work pretty damn hard. That is MY perception - can I say that my overseers agree? No, but I am hopeful.
This is part of the larger issue of "you don't REALLY know what others think of you." Some don't care, some do. I am one of the people who do care about that more often than not. I want to be good at what I do and I want people to recognize that. I never wanna be "that guy" - the one that people talk about when they aren't around. I know when I do that it isn't the nicest or most complimentary of conversations. I can only imagine what people say about me...
I'm Paranoid
"You know, you can't please all the people all the time...and last night, all those people were at my show!"
- Mitch Hedberg
I really can't be everything to everyone - and that pisses me off. I guess that is one of the reasons why I get so stressed out. I want to do well, I want to impress, I want to succeed, but if things are getting in the way, then I really can't be all those things to everyone. While I know that nothing in this life is perfect, and that shit happens, I am fairly convinced that it shouldn't happen as much as it does. I accept it, but I don't have to like it. I certainly don't embrace it, but I see it for what it is. I just hope others do, too...
I'm a worrier...
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
- George Carlin
I'd like to think that I am 'above average' with regards to this - but I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing.
I have made my fair share of bad, dumb, poor, and piss poor decisions, but I TRY to learn from them as much as I can and move forward. What I DON'T do is let go of things, or switch off, and THAT is what pulls be down (pushes me up?) on the stupidity ladder. I really don't know where this particular psychosis comes from, but it's here, and it sucks...
I'm in need of therapy...
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
- Mitch Hedberg
I never really had a true understanding of addiction until I became an addict myself. Yeah, smoking is an addiction, but that is, like, an almost acceptable addiction - not saying its good for you, but for me it gets me outside :-)
Gambling is a different story...it's weird - it's a bad addiction, but its the only one where the possibility exists of walking out with more than you walked in with. I never saw someone put down a needle and magically win more heroin.
Now, I said the POSSIBILITY exists...it's always possible, but in the gamblers mind, winning only means there is more to lose that they didn't have before. I love the action...while there is money in the machine, I always have a chance of winning. The minute I leave, I start to feel pain - bad pain. It's like when you scratch yourself so much you bleed, then you keep scratching cause it feels good, but the minute you stop everything starts stinging and throbbing and you wanna scream.
I guess the same is true for drug and alcohol addicts. I witnessed a friend of mine going through DT's the other night (he has a bad alcohol issue and is TRYING to get better). I felt so bad - there was nothing I could do. I thought, "If this is what people go through when detoxing, then I can see why they don't stop". I get a similar feeling leaving a casino. It's bad. I need be more in control. Thankfully I have tempered that issue, and am getting better every day. I'm actually able to walk in a casino and not lose every cent I have to my name. It's nice.
I'm a recovering addict...
"No one knows what's next, but everybody does it."
- George Carlin
I most certainly don't know whats next...if I did, I think that would take the mystery out of everything and kinda kill some of the fun.
I want the power of 'selective clairvoyance' - to see the future of what I want when I want. I don't need to see into the future for stuff like what my next bowel movement will be like, or what I will eat for dinner tomorrow. What I DO want to see is my career, bank book, etc... This way I know what I am in for. People say "If you saw into the future then you'd be able to change it". Well, that is complete bullshit, because then that isn't the future you saw - it's just a prospectus of what the future could be. I want the real, firm, future to be seen - this is what it is... I think that would be helpful...
I think too much...
I'm gonna leave off with 2 quotes that I love from these freaks of comedy nature...
"I'm sick of following my dreams...I'm just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later"
- Mitch Hedberg
"The future will soon be a thing of the past"
- George Carlin
...As we all will be George. You will be missed by many, myself near the front of that line... Make sure you go get a drink with Mitch...
As usual, feel free to comment since no one does...
Peace
- Mike
- George Carlin (1937-2008)
SO, I wake up this morning, KNOWING that the day isn't looking so well right from the get-go due to an e-mail I got last night. I turn on my computer, open Yahoo, and low and behold the first thing I see is that my comedic hero, George Carlin, has passed away.
While that may not mean much to some of you, for me it's a big deal. I have had 2 favorite comedians in life - George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg - and they are both now dead.
These two geniuses gave me more than Santa Claus has over the years. And those gifts can be revisited, thankfully, through DVD and CD... However, the creativity lost by their deaths is something that can't be replaced, and I do feel that we are worse off not having them in this world.
But rather than dwell on the loss anymore, I want to celebrate their lives through their greatest quotes...and spinning my life around them:
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
- George Carlin
Let's look at how the rest of the day went... I was on conference calls all day to resolve a work issue that never should have happened in the first place. I had someone screaming at me on the phone because they wish there to be a traffic light outside one of the stores I look after (somehow this is my fault). One of my dogs is pretty sick and can't keep food down... *sigh*
Whatever...
I know in my heart of hearts that I can't change anyone who has a Death Wish, I guess, but I just want things to go smooth and for people to do what they are told and taught...and NOT TO BE A MORON. In this day and age, relationships and jobs and money are too fleeting to go and fuck it all up. Enjoy life, do the best you can, and then try to do a little better - there is always room for improvement. People ARE most certainly fucked. Which one will you be? The fucker or the fuckee?
Try to be neither... Just be a good person to yourself and others... I sound like such a filthy hippie...
"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who would be mad at me for saying that."
- Mitch Hedberg
I really think I am over dating again...not like I was ever 'pro dating'. I hate it...but I guess to find someone to watch movies with regularly it's necessary. I'm in the dating pool now...right now I think its the shallow end... (A fine play on words if you ask me) I'm not going to say if there are 'persons of interest', but I will say that I have a fondness... Just never know what direction it's gonna go... The last person I wrote about went hideously bad....and I knew it was just a matter of time before it did go bad, but I am always hopeful.
I am the occasional optimist...
I was just telling someone tonite that everything I like is bad for me: Gambling, Smoking (not that I really like it, but I do it regularly), soda, red meat, women... So I figure, when I like someone, they must be bad for me - mainly because I like them.
I'm an idiot.
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
- George Carlin
Well, I can sympathize... Perception is key here... I make just enough not to quit, but I work pretty damn hard. That is MY perception - can I say that my overseers agree? No, but I am hopeful.
This is part of the larger issue of "you don't REALLY know what others think of you." Some don't care, some do. I am one of the people who do care about that more often than not. I want to be good at what I do and I want people to recognize that. I never wanna be "that guy" - the one that people talk about when they aren't around. I know when I do that it isn't the nicest or most complimentary of conversations. I can only imagine what people say about me...
I'm Paranoid
"You know, you can't please all the people all the time...and last night, all those people were at my show!"
- Mitch Hedberg
I really can't be everything to everyone - and that pisses me off. I guess that is one of the reasons why I get so stressed out. I want to do well, I want to impress, I want to succeed, but if things are getting in the way, then I really can't be all those things to everyone. While I know that nothing in this life is perfect, and that shit happens, I am fairly convinced that it shouldn't happen as much as it does. I accept it, but I don't have to like it. I certainly don't embrace it, but I see it for what it is. I just hope others do, too...
I'm a worrier...
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
- George Carlin
I'd like to think that I am 'above average' with regards to this - but I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing.
I have made my fair share of bad, dumb, poor, and piss poor decisions, but I TRY to learn from them as much as I can and move forward. What I DON'T do is let go of things, or switch off, and THAT is what pulls be down (pushes me up?) on the stupidity ladder. I really don't know where this particular psychosis comes from, but it's here, and it sucks...
I'm in need of therapy...
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
- Mitch Hedberg
I never really had a true understanding of addiction until I became an addict myself. Yeah, smoking is an addiction, but that is, like, an almost acceptable addiction - not saying its good for you, but for me it gets me outside :-)
Gambling is a different story...it's weird - it's a bad addiction, but its the only one where the possibility exists of walking out with more than you walked in with. I never saw someone put down a needle and magically win more heroin.
Now, I said the POSSIBILITY exists...it's always possible, but in the gamblers mind, winning only means there is more to lose that they didn't have before. I love the action...while there is money in the machine, I always have a chance of winning. The minute I leave, I start to feel pain - bad pain. It's like when you scratch yourself so much you bleed, then you keep scratching cause it feels good, but the minute you stop everything starts stinging and throbbing and you wanna scream.
I guess the same is true for drug and alcohol addicts. I witnessed a friend of mine going through DT's the other night (he has a bad alcohol issue and is TRYING to get better). I felt so bad - there was nothing I could do. I thought, "If this is what people go through when detoxing, then I can see why they don't stop". I get a similar feeling leaving a casino. It's bad. I need be more in control. Thankfully I have tempered that issue, and am getting better every day. I'm actually able to walk in a casino and not lose every cent I have to my name. It's nice.
I'm a recovering addict...
"No one knows what's next, but everybody does it."
- George Carlin
I most certainly don't know whats next...if I did, I think that would take the mystery out of everything and kinda kill some of the fun.
I want the power of 'selective clairvoyance' - to see the future of what I want when I want. I don't need to see into the future for stuff like what my next bowel movement will be like, or what I will eat for dinner tomorrow. What I DO want to see is my career, bank book, etc... This way I know what I am in for. People say "If you saw into the future then you'd be able to change it". Well, that is complete bullshit, because then that isn't the future you saw - it's just a prospectus of what the future could be. I want the real, firm, future to be seen - this is what it is... I think that would be helpful...
I think too much...
I'm gonna leave off with 2 quotes that I love from these freaks of comedy nature...
"I'm sick of following my dreams...I'm just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later"
- Mitch Hedberg
"The future will soon be a thing of the past"
- George Carlin
...As we all will be George. You will be missed by many, myself near the front of that line... Make sure you go get a drink with Mitch...
As usual, feel free to comment since no one does...
Peace
- Mike
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
The up's and down's of the up's and down's
"It's getting to the point where I'm not fun anymore
I am sorry..."
- Crosby, Stills, and Nash, 1969
Just been a 'down' couple of days... Most any time I travel upstate is a down time... Get lonely (not like that is much different at home), bored, nothing to do except work. Fun.
Worst part is, I'm missing someONE for once, but I am really not sure how to feel about it all...too fresh, too new, and too...I dunno... too TOO!
"Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud...
I am lonely"
I sometimes don't know whats worse - knowing you are alone, or being at the beginning of something and NOT KNOWING how to act - or if being yourself just isn't good enough.
These are the things that run through the mind of:
A) Someone with low self esteem
B) Someone who analyzes things too much
C) Someone who is confused and unsure
D) All of the above...
hint - PICK "D"
"Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart"
That is a statement I live by...and if I am laughing, I am putty in the respective hands of the significant (or potential significant) other. More than that, though, I LIKE making people laugh. I think that if it werent for that innate ability, I certainly wouldn't have the friends I do, or met a lot of the people I have.
However, for as much laughter I can make, there is a shit-ton of misunderstanding and misreading of things recently that I am not a big fan of. People are different - everyone is unique - and sometimes I think that I am more familiar to people than I really am. I think that someone should trust me because I am a good person and I mean no harm. I look at people that way (till they fuck me over), and I forget that most people don't think the same way. I'm not gonna say I wish EVERYONE felt that way - to each their own - but I think that some are more leery than others, and that is what hurts me a bit...
"I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are...
You make it hard"
I don't remember for sure (maybe I should read some past blogs) but I think I have mentioned how much I hate paying for the LAST GUY'S issues or damage done... My philosophy is kind of an extension of my philosophy on trust - if someone hurt me in the past, that doesn't mean the next person is gonna do the same thing. New person, new situation, new experience, new memories - it's what you make it.
Am I crazy for thinking this way?
I'd like to think not...
"I've got an answer...
I'm going to fly away...
What have I got to lose?"
Nothing...many times I have nothing to lose...and that is why I think the way I think. I try to give as much of myself as I can. If someone is not willing to accept me for what I am, then there is nothing I can do to change that opinion.
I guess maybe thinking I have nothing to lose is a failing as much as it is a positive. I guess I give too much of myself and someone might not know how to take that - waiting for the other shoe (or hammer) to drop. Thing is, I KNOW that isn't gonna happen...and I am so confident in that, that it's incredibly hard for me to deal with someone who is protecting themself by being cautious. I do get that self-preservation is important...I just don't get when it rules ALL.
I ask again...am I crazy?
Anyone? Bueller?
"I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are...
You make it hard..."
Lyrics blatantly pilfered from "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" by
Crosby, Stills, and Nash
from their self-titled LP released in 1969
I'm not a huge fan, but this is a killer tune...
I am sorry..."
- Crosby, Stills, and Nash, 1969
Just been a 'down' couple of days... Most any time I travel upstate is a down time... Get lonely (not like that is much different at home), bored, nothing to do except work. Fun.
Worst part is, I'm missing someONE for once, but I am really not sure how to feel about it all...too fresh, too new, and too...I dunno... too TOO!
"Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud...
I am lonely"
I sometimes don't know whats worse - knowing you are alone, or being at the beginning of something and NOT KNOWING how to act - or if being yourself just isn't good enough.
These are the things that run through the mind of:
A) Someone with low self esteem
B) Someone who analyzes things too much
C) Someone who is confused and unsure
D) All of the above...
hint - PICK "D"
"Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart"
That is a statement I live by...and if I am laughing, I am putty in the respective hands of the significant (or potential significant) other. More than that, though, I LIKE making people laugh. I think that if it werent for that innate ability, I certainly wouldn't have the friends I do, or met a lot of the people I have.
However, for as much laughter I can make, there is a shit-ton of misunderstanding and misreading of things recently that I am not a big fan of. People are different - everyone is unique - and sometimes I think that I am more familiar to people than I really am. I think that someone should trust me because I am a good person and I mean no harm. I look at people that way (till they fuck me over), and I forget that most people don't think the same way. I'm not gonna say I wish EVERYONE felt that way - to each their own - but I think that some are more leery than others, and that is what hurts me a bit...
"I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are...
You make it hard"
I don't remember for sure (maybe I should read some past blogs) but I think I have mentioned how much I hate paying for the LAST GUY'S issues or damage done... My philosophy is kind of an extension of my philosophy on trust - if someone hurt me in the past, that doesn't mean the next person is gonna do the same thing. New person, new situation, new experience, new memories - it's what you make it.
Am I crazy for thinking this way?
I'd like to think not...
"I've got an answer...
I'm going to fly away...
What have I got to lose?"
Nothing...many times I have nothing to lose...and that is why I think the way I think. I try to give as much of myself as I can. If someone is not willing to accept me for what I am, then there is nothing I can do to change that opinion.
I guess maybe thinking I have nothing to lose is a failing as much as it is a positive. I guess I give too much of myself and someone might not know how to take that - waiting for the other shoe (or hammer) to drop. Thing is, I KNOW that isn't gonna happen...and I am so confident in that, that it's incredibly hard for me to deal with someone who is protecting themself by being cautious. I do get that self-preservation is important...I just don't get when it rules ALL.
I ask again...am I crazy?
Anyone? Bueller?
"I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are...
You make it hard..."
Lyrics blatantly pilfered from "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" by
Crosby, Stills, and Nash
from their self-titled LP released in 1969
I'm not a huge fan, but this is a killer tune...
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Time keeps on slippin'...
"Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time..."
- Pink Floyd, 1972
Man, the past few months have been a complete and utter blur. Therefore, I haven't had the time to post here in a LONG ass time...not as if many people read it, but basically it's so that I can put out my thoughts and 'vent'. Man, do I have some venting to do...
Ok, quick review of the past few months:
Well, basically every environment in my personal life seems cluttered and closed in...very non-'feng shui'. I truly think this is having an adverse effect on the way I go about things, and really I don't have the TIME to pick up all the pieces every time I go away for work - or rather when I return. So, the answer is - "More floor space - Less stuff".
"You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you"
The thinking is, if I get rid of a lot of shit, then there is less to clean/put away/pick up, etc... which in theory is true. HOWEVER, deciding what goes and what stays is really a much harder decision. I am a bit of a pack rat and I don't like to part with most anything I spent money on... I'm getting better about it, and making a list of things to sell/give away/trade in...but even that is hard because I KNOW as soon as I get rid of something, I'll need it the next day. This is the story of my life, so I know how the book reads!
"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking..."
Then I always seem to start a project, run out of TIME on it, and then have a bigger mess than when I started. I'm telling ya...60 hour weeks suck donkey balls...It cramps my 'style', or what little style I have, in a big way, and makes for a more convoluted life. Thusly, I try to get this organization thing going, but you need TIME for that...and there is the vicious cycle...running around and around like a second hand on a watch - except you can't wind this watch. When time is gone, it's gone forever and can't be reclaimed. I want to find a way to recycle TIME. That would be convenient...
I also want to make a TV show called "You Bet Your Afterlife"...but I don't see that working out too well...
"Home, home again
I like to be here when I can"
That says it all right there... For me, home has been many a Holiday Inn Express... They almost know me by name at my regular haunts. I guess that is ok, cause at least there is someone saying hello to me with a smiling face and at least pretends to care... If I can't have friends or family do it, I guess I could do worse than the nice staff at HIE's everywhere... Thanks Y'all!
Home was also L.A. at one time, and it was nice to visit last week. Got to hang with some old 'rock star' pals - though it was to help them move...how nice of me...
Was also good to hang with former co-workers down in San Diego, then travel up to Las Vegas for food and wine and song and other stuff... :-)
By the way, I scored a 2008 Mercedes C300 as my rental car... I suggest driving one...big TIME! That ride to Vegas was never sweeter or more comfy - whether it be plane, car, tour bus...whatever... I'm now a Mercedes fan...
The Beatles "Love" show was amazing...being in the 2nd row didn't hurt either...but those friggin' Cirque cats piss me off!!!! I mean, HOW CAN THEY DO HALF THAT SHIT!!!! I complain when I have to do a 6 hour drive to go to work...these freaks fly 50 feet in the air being held up by a piece of dental floss or something - NIGHTLY!!!!! I give them credit... 2 shows a night 5 days a week...they earn their paycheck. Kudos to you guys!! Now you all have to go see the show...like, now. NOW.
Ok, think I am done for now...NOW... Till the next time...
"The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"
Lyrics ripped off from "Time" - by Pink Floyd
from the 1973 release "Dark Side of the Moon"
If you don't know what that album is, then go throw a rock, and whomever it hits, ask THEM, 'cause I am sure they have heard of it
- Pink Floyd, 1972
Man, the past few months have been a complete and utter blur. Therefore, I haven't had the time to post here in a LONG ass time...not as if many people read it, but basically it's so that I can put out my thoughts and 'vent'. Man, do I have some venting to do...
Ok, quick review of the past few months:
- Got promoted at work - been run ragged since
- Boat = DEAD (please, do NOT ask)
- Still single... *sigh*
- Went swordfishing in Florida - and got sea sick...wonderful
- Got me a new TV in an effort to organize my life - believe me, the math works on this one...
- Went to San Diego, L.A., and Las Vegas all in the same trip...good times...
- FINALLY saw the Beatles Cirque du Soleil Show - "Love" - you MUST see it...
Well, basically every environment in my personal life seems cluttered and closed in...very non-'feng shui'. I truly think this is having an adverse effect on the way I go about things, and really I don't have the TIME to pick up all the pieces every time I go away for work - or rather when I return. So, the answer is - "More floor space - Less stuff".
"You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you"
The thinking is, if I get rid of a lot of shit, then there is less to clean/put away/pick up, etc... which in theory is true. HOWEVER, deciding what goes and what stays is really a much harder decision. I am a bit of a pack rat and I don't like to part with most anything I spent money on... I'm getting better about it, and making a list of things to sell/give away/trade in...but even that is hard because I KNOW as soon as I get rid of something, I'll need it the next day. This is the story of my life, so I know how the book reads!
"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking..."
Then I always seem to start a project, run out of TIME on it, and then have a bigger mess than when I started. I'm telling ya...60 hour weeks suck donkey balls...It cramps my 'style', or what little style I have, in a big way, and makes for a more convoluted life. Thusly, I try to get this organization thing going, but you need TIME for that...and there is the vicious cycle...running around and around like a second hand on a watch - except you can't wind this watch. When time is gone, it's gone forever and can't be reclaimed. I want to find a way to recycle TIME. That would be convenient...
I also want to make a TV show called "You Bet Your Afterlife"...but I don't see that working out too well...
"Home, home again
I like to be here when I can"
That says it all right there... For me, home has been many a Holiday Inn Express... They almost know me by name at my regular haunts. I guess that is ok, cause at least there is someone saying hello to me with a smiling face and at least pretends to care... If I can't have friends or family do it, I guess I could do worse than the nice staff at HIE's everywhere... Thanks Y'all!
Home was also L.A. at one time, and it was nice to visit last week. Got to hang with some old 'rock star' pals - though it was to help them move...how nice of me...
Was also good to hang with former co-workers down in San Diego, then travel up to Las Vegas for food and wine and song and other stuff... :-)
By the way, I scored a 2008 Mercedes C300 as my rental car... I suggest driving one...big TIME! That ride to Vegas was never sweeter or more comfy - whether it be plane, car, tour bus...whatever... I'm now a Mercedes fan...
The Beatles "Love" show was amazing...being in the 2nd row didn't hurt either...but those friggin' Cirque cats piss me off!!!! I mean, HOW CAN THEY DO HALF THAT SHIT!!!! I complain when I have to do a 6 hour drive to go to work...these freaks fly 50 feet in the air being held up by a piece of dental floss or something - NIGHTLY!!!!! I give them credit... 2 shows a night 5 days a week...they earn their paycheck. Kudos to you guys!! Now you all have to go see the show...like, now. NOW.
Ok, think I am done for now...NOW... Till the next time...
"The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"
Lyrics ripped off from "Time" - by Pink Floyd
from the 1973 release "Dark Side of the Moon"
If you don't know what that album is, then go throw a rock, and whomever it hits, ask THEM, 'cause I am sure they have heard of it
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
