In The Meantime, Never Misunderstand Me... A two-part blog...

"Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me..."

- Godsmack, 1997

So, it seems as if my last blog was taken as the pity party that it was never intended to be (and noted by this author as something that it really WASN'T)...

So, before I get into my actual blog, here are some answers for...well, everyone I guess... :-)

1) Again, I'm NOT looking for pity

2) I'm NOT soliciting for answers

3) I DO understand that things happen for a reason - I just don't know what that reason is. I believe it's fair to wonder what that is from time to time...

4) Yes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but it IS killing me right now...so I'm not strengthened. I'm living through it, and it's rough...

5) No, that comment you read that you thought was about you probably wasn't about you...but if you have a guilty conscience about it, then yeah, it WAS about you...how do ya feel NOW? :-P

6) No, there was no one singular event that set this off...this 'depression' is the sum of its parts: Bad Luck + more bad luck + bad timing + overworking + loneliness = where I am now...

7) A GENERAL SHOUT OUT - IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU OWE ME MONEY, I REALLY COULD USE IT!!!!! Thank you...

Over time, all this was created, and over time, this too shall pass...but in the meantime, I'm pretty pissed and upset, and you know what, I'm ALLOWED to feel this way. Walk a mile - nay, 35 feet in my shoes, and then tell me how you feel...

*shiver*

Ok, now that I got THAT off my chest...
____________________________________________________________________

"Maybe in the meantime wait and see..."
- Spacehog, 1995


So, to say the least, this has been an unnerving week...

Because I cannot get too deep in detail, let's just say it ended better than it started...and if it hadn't, there would be a lot of questions left to answer that I think I wouldn't want to even be asked - or ask of myself.

Now, with firmer footing and something resembling a game-plan in place (until it falls apart) I feel a little more confident...taking a 'wait and see' kind of approach to my professional life, and to a smaller extent my personal life.

I am trying not to react as violently (emotionally) to all the negativity that permeates my psyche. After that, then I can work on keeping it out, but baby steps first...

I wanna go fishing...ugh... been taking way too long to get out on the water, and now summer is gone - but hey, at least its striper, blues, and blackfish season!!!

And again, it's fall - probably my favorite season...and good things are happening already - the Jets don't have a losing record, the Mets AGAIN were eliminated on the last day of the season (har har har!!) - but, no Yankees in the playoffs. *Sigh* I guess 13 years in a row was a good run...

"We love the all the all of you
Our lands are green and sky is blue
When all in all we're just like you
We love the all of you..."

Ok, so I am still not sure what any of that means, but I gotta keep in with my song theme and periodically drop in lyrics... So there they are...

Um...where was I...

Oh...I remember... So, I'm looking to see if I can go on vacation in November - head on down to Florida to blow off a LOT of steam. And I wanna go to Epcot- the International Food and Wine Festival is going on through Nov 9, and I wanna get there before it ends. The cool part about this festival is that they have bands that play as well - and they are the ABSOLUTE cheesiest bands on the planet - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, David Cassidy, En Vogue, and of course, the mighty Night Ranger. Who DOESN'T wanna say they went to Epcot to go see Night Ranger. I am all aflutter at the thought...

In reality, though, I really do wanna make it to this festival - the best chefs are on display giving demonstrations, there is lots of food, wine, and beer from around the world, and I can go for free! (It's good to know people)

So, if you wanna go, lemme know...and if I like you enough, maybe we'll make plans...

"Well that sounds fine so I'll see ya sunshine
Give my love to the future of the humankind
OK, OK, that's not OK
and while it's on my mind there's a girl to fit the crime
of a future lovers dream that I've still to find
But In the Meantime..."

Yeah, what he said...

Anyways, this is not much of a blog - I think I write better when I am completely and utterly miserable, as opposed to now when I am only partially and moderately annoyed.

Yes, that was a joke...kinda...

I need a better song to write along with... OH SHIT!! Forgot I started this off with Godsmack!!!!

"Twistin' everything around that you say, yeah!
Smack me in my mouth 200 times every other day
Rag me, I don't hear you anymore, not yet
Find out what it means to me, I don't know who you are"

Dammit...I got nuttin'... Next time, I promise....

L8r...

I Will Never Be Deceived...

"Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause your the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill..."
- Orgy, 1998

I am swirling in a downward spiral due to a cesspool that I have partially created, but mostly leaves me a victim of circumstance.

I find myself becoming consumed by everything - too much work, not enough free time, free time I have spend somewhere between 11pm and 2am looking for new people to talk to or being rejected by those I already know.

I haven't been out of the house the past few weekends for more than buying food - no fun...Jack has officially become a dull boy.

No distractions leave me thinking too much about what is consuming me too often. It's manifesting itself physically. I cannot sleep without assistance because I fear I will wake up several times thinking about work - and I am usually right.

I have had 3 days off since August 9... I am so very tired...

"If it stayed I'd never leave it if that turned around
I'd grieve the special dirty things that we used to talk about
I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout,
Oh no it's you again"

For the life of me I just can't understand what it is that I have to do to get the attention of some people...

Thing is, in my (non) dating life, the people I kinda fall for are those that seem 'needy' in one way or another, are dysfunctional in some fashion, or just plain fucked up. And I am the asshole who sits there and repeats trends - bailing people out with money I can ill afford to lend only to have it never paid back, crossing my fingers that after I do something nice for someone that they'll actually be friends with me and not take advantage...

But I am proven wrong most of the time and the "Oh no its you again" line keeps coming back to haunt me.

What is wrong with me? Or is it me? Or my choices? Or just that people are just so fucked and self-absorbed that they'll be just nice enough to suck you in and then fuck you over without them losing an ounce of sleep.

As I have said in the past, I don't wanna change this part of me, because I like and enjoy being a giving and helpful person... I just want to know when Karma is gonna pay me a visit and help ME out for a change.

I always think, "Well, maybe I should have died today, but Karma was paying you back by keeping you going another day". I dunno...maybe that is true, but really, is there any way to really know? For real, I need a Karma Payback flow chart and see where I lie on it all...I wanna know if I still owe or if I'm owed - and if I can cash in...

I think I deserve better - in ALL aspects of my life. I've put in blood , sweat, and tears, and I feel, for the most part, that the most I have gotten is an 'Atta boy!' and a kick in the pancreas.

This isn't meant to be a pity session here, if that is what is being thought. No...what it is is a venting session. I have held in too much for too long and am destined to explode if I don't get some of this out...

Now, if you have read any of my past blogs, you know I am a bit more specific on certain things, but I can;t this time...these are more conceptual issues...philosophical in nature. Things where lines are blurred - and not chemically. This isn't outside the box, it is why the box even exists in the first place... and does it have a purpose or is it still undefined potential.

"So precious you know
This hate of mine exploded
I'm so deranged you know
I will never be deceived"

For all my bitching about getting taken advantage of, I do have to say that I KNOW it's coming...I'm just hopeful that it really won't endup that way...but alas...

I'm not ever deceived, I'm just a schmuck...hoping that people are inherently good. I do wish that to be the case...I really do... The optimism isn't really there, though, and there inlies the problem - my hatred and eventual DIStrust becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I almost make people fuck me over I think... I set myself up for failure right from the outset.

I'm my own easiest victim and my own worst enemy all rolled into one...

"Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause you're the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill"

I hope that those that have fucked me over are relishing the moment at least... Enjoy the thrill...eventually that thrill is gone... I am not toy - I don't come with kung-fu grip, nor do I enjoy being played with. I am not a chess piece - I am not a pawn in your personal chess game.

Checkmate.

"I will never be deceived"

Till next time...

- Mike

p.s. Anyone wanna go to Florida with me early November? looking for travel partner...maybe...

Lyrics stolen from "Stitches" by Orgy
from the 1998 release "Candyass"