Does it Make Me Bad?

"I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation...
There's so much shit around me,
Such a lack of compassion"

- Korn, 1999

I've been a bad, bad boy...

At least I think I have been...or have I?

Without getting into too much detail...well...I dunno. I guess I still find myself getting into situations that I know aren't the best thing for me - but I have absolutely no will power to say 'no'.

At the same time, I think I don't say 'no' because I want to be everything to everyone, so it makes me happy to be/mean something to someone else.

So, essentially, I am getting myself into touchy territory in order to make myself and/or others happy...mainly others...and in the end NO ONE winds up being happy. Blah...

I know, this is all kinda cryptic - that's to protect the innocent (I'm the guilty, I guess). But I will say it's not without compassion - in fact, maybe TOO much compassion... ugh...

"I thought it would be fun and games,
Instead, it's all the same...
I want something to do,
Need to feel the sickness...in you."

Everybody wants to have a good time...all the time. I don't know of anyone who says "yeah, I need some misery...Can't WAIT! WOOO!!!" Unfortunately, the reality of it is without the downside you might never know how to see the upside of things. By the same token, too much downside can DEFINITELY make it WAY harder to see the UPSIDE of things. BLAH!!! I see so much downside in myself that I really make it hard for me to see the good in me.
Not like I do things to help me see the good in myself. Every 'good' thing I do, I feel is for selfish reasons (see 1st paragraph), and I can't shake that feeling sometimes. Sucks, but hey, it is what it is for now...I'm still very much a work in progress.

All I know is that things are getting better - and I know this because I am forcing myself to look at things with different eyes - and to say 'no' occasionally. Maybe not as much as I really NEED to say 'no', but you have to start somewhere...

"I feel the reason as it's leaving me,
No, not again...
it's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh
Make me bad"

I don't think of me as a bad person overall, really. I'm just a good person who does bad things - mainly to himself. My personal feeling was that sometimes a 'victimless crime' (i.e. something that affected no one directly but myself) was better than imposing my crap on others, but the truth of the matter is that it DOES get put on others whether that was the intention or not. Just the sheer fact that I share this info here (or personally) with my friends, etc, makes me put my shit onto others. SO, lemme apologise again for all this crap...yeah, it's my way of dealing with things- my personal catharsis - but those of you that read this regularly probably don't walk away with feelings of sunbeams and cotton candy! For that, I am sorry...wasn't my intention. All I ever intend by this is to purge these poisons that are coursing through my veins and in my brain and spill them out for dissection - so that maybe someone who feels the same way doesn't feel alone as I sometimes do.

You aren't alone...and it's ok...I am positive it gets better....

"What does it mean to you?
For me, it's something I just do
I want something
I need to feel the sickness...in you."

I feel your pain, really I do... I understand, and I get it... I don't expect everyone to understand ME, because my mind is a scrambled mess, but those of us that share these feelings - we are all very much the same. Sometimes to a fault. Sometimes to the point where we butt heads. But that is ok - I understand why...

So what am I doing to make this improve? Well:

• I said 'no' to a Vegas trip...as much as it pained me to do so - but I have to restrain...
  
• I have taken a stronger approach to work - more dedicated and "get 'er done" in nature...
  
• I am spending more time being creative - mainly musically - which helps me get all this anger and hatred out and turn it into 'tongue-in-cheek' style humor, set to music (Just wait for the next dance sensation "Great Big Fat Person (Ill, yo!)" which will be finished shortly...a surefire hit - at least on my iPod).
  
• Writing has commenced on my book...and I'd like to thank all of you that had submitted ideas fo--- oh, that's right, NO ONE DID!! Fuckers!!! :-) Still looking for great titles to write for...
• Wait, that isn't true... "Triumph over the Fog" was one... but I am unsure how to approach that one yet...

Anyways, this sorta somber blog DOES have a happy ending. Apart from feeling physically ill (nursing a cold now), I actually feel better than I have in a while overall. I have reconnected with a lot of old friends and it's good to talk and see them from time to time. My future seems a little more clear and bright, and I have a couple of bucks in the bank for the first time in forever. I have a list of goals that I wish to accomplish this year (I'll share these as I finish them) and they are all attainable. I am still incredibly handsome. ;-) I still have a good ear for music, and I can still make people laugh - maybe more so than ever now...

So, I don't think all this makes me bad... if anything it forces me to try to be good - and that really isn't the worst thing in the world. I control my own destiny, and I want it to be for better as opposed to for worst...

Anybody else along for the ride? Let's heal...

"I feel the reason as it's leavin' me
No, not again...
it's quite deceiving as I'm feeling the flesh
Make me bad"

Does it make me bad?
Does it make me bad?
Does it make me bad?"

Nope, it doesn't... :-)

Later!!!

Lyrics used completely without permission
from "Make Me Bad" by Korn
off the 1999 release "Issues"
Immortal/Epic records

It's On!

"You see its my fault...
Angels stabbing me inside
Nothing changes
Just re-arranges
For me...this time..."
- Korn, 1998

Aaaaaaand, we're back. New and improved. 50% MORE! Now with (add secret ingredient here).

So, I have embarked on a new venture. This particular effort is coming more as an attempt to get my creativity out there and prove to myself that I am actually good at something. I keep getting compliments on my blogging - which I find odd, because some of it is the absolute most depressing shit a person can read. If I were you, dear reader, and I read some of what I wrote, I'd think that:

1. I should kill myself and be done with it, if for no other reason than to stop bringing everyone 'down' with my dark ramblings.
2. Said reader should kill themselves cause they feel the same way, or I have depressed them (or annoyed them) to that point of wanting to end it all
3. the reader should vomit - otherwise known as 'technicolor yawning'

Any of those reactions I would find to be acceptable and right, and I would hold nothing against you.

However, for some sick, twisted, ungodly reason, this has not been the average reaction.

Most everyone has been complimentary at the least about this blog - somehow this has been some underground hit with a select group (select = 6 people, with a possible variance of 6, so it could be as little as zero) and they always ask me for more. Well, be careful what you wish for - you very well may get it...in f**king SPADES.

"Something is calling,
I can't keep from falling...

COME ON...
IT'S ON!"

I announce here that I will be writing a book - either one larger tome with interlocking storylines, or several short stories that will be more like Richard Bachman's (Stephen King's pseudonym...better writing under that name, in my humble opinion) stories. It all depends, really on how the writing flows...there are lots of notes, half-ideas, character development, and they are all 'works in progress'.

Some storylines are fully realized, but no real idea of how to get from A to B. Some ideas are how to get from A to B - but don't fit with the storylines...but, in due time, as with these blogs, it'll all come together.

The cool part is that I have actively started writing and recording music - a soundtrack, if you will - that will follow the book and hopefully give you, the reader AND listener, a better understanding of the emotions of the book/story/poem/haiku...whatever fucking literary form it winds up taking.

I guess you can kinda liken it to an opera with full libretto, but this really is more. Though there is no acting involved, there is more emotion with certain things, and there WILL be humor...and blood, oh yes...there will be blood. Hehehehe...

So yeah, in a phrase, IT'S ON!

By the way, I AM taking suggestions for names to be used in the stories... Feel free to think of some names to be used and leave them as comments here. (This is a thinly veiled ploy to get people to actually leave comments. I have more blogs then comments here, and I don't have that many comments!!! you all suck!!! :-p)

Or better yet (this will be more fun), come up with the title for a short story and I will write a story based on the best title. The best title is the one I choose to write on...not necessarily the best overall title. I mean, you can have a well written story title, like "The Snakes of Will Roger's Soul" (is that well written? Whatever...) but I would go with "Ass Rotten Egg Fucker", cause I have something to say about that...

So, IT'S ON!!! Make some stupid suggestions. Or intelligent ones...or what YOU feel is intelligent, but I will laugh at - loudly.

Suck it...

Blogger, OUT!

"Come ON!
IT'S ON!!!!

Now see, it's my fault...
Angels stabbing me inside.
Nothing changes,
Just re-arranges
For me, this time..."

Lyrics taken with no regard for copyright laws from
"It's On" by Korn
From the album "Follow the Leader"
Epic/Immortal records, 1999

I have become the infinite darkness....

I apologize for the dark tone of this particular blog - no song, no merriment, one mini joke - but I needed an outlet, so I do it here and put it all on display for ridicule cause I am a sick person.

I'm tired...so very tired...

I wake up every day to the sound of my alarm buzzing. My annoyance with my daily existence can be likened to hearing that buzzing all day...loudly...from a 15" speaker....right next to your head.

This is not a self-loathing thing, this is just a dissatisfaction with the daily grind that I (and many others in this world) go through every day. We all want something more, but are unsure of how to get it.

If we know how to get it, then we come up with some excuse not to do it.

If we don't have an excuse not to do it, we then submit to self-sabotage in order to ruin it.

Or is this just me?

Maybe this is just me being sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I just can't get my head wrapped around getting anything done anymore. I have become the king of all ideas and best intentions, and the master of no follow thru. You know what they say - the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I guess at this point I am acting as my very own 'road paving' company.

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to attain, so many levels of satisfaction I wish to feel... Biggest problem here is I want them all at the same time and to keep them forever. I have to keep reminding myself that life is a series of moments - I even spoke about this in an earlier blog - and that I wish to preserve those memories forever. But in order to create new memories you have to sometimes let go of older ones otherwise you can wind up holding yourself to an unattainable standard - you CANNOT relive things - for better or worse.

Each event is its own unique experience - I DO forget that all too often. Anyone remember the definition of 'crazy' that I brought up on this blog before? It's "repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different result."

I am crazy, by this definition...clinically insane. I used to think this was a good thing and a bad thing, but now, it's mainly bad.

No, it's all bad.

Again, I find myself in situations that I keep hoping for the best and instead wind up with the shit end of the stick. I look back and see about 15 different ways I could have gone about things, but I didn't because I am a self-destructive (but handsome) person who would rather give of himself to a perfect stranger then to take care of his own well being.

All this and I think I am one of the most selfish people I know...

I want it all...I want everyone to be happy and I want to be the one who made them happy so I can brag about how happy I make everyone - and then be happy because of that.

What the HELL is wrong with me? Can I be MORE narcissistic?

I'm really good at self-loathing, so I guess it makes sense that I'm horrible at self-loving - taking it to that extreme at times in my own mind.

Really, days like this that cause me to feel this way...fuck...I just wanna get on a plane and go somewhere, and call it a day. I think I need to win mega-millions.

No, I KNOW I need to win mega millions...and that will make me get back into crazy mode - I'll play again, thinking I will win...but I won't.

Then again, you gotta be in it to win in, right?

Someone help me...