Exactly WHAT am I running for...or from?

Y'know, the other day I was thinking to myself how much of a metaphor running has become in my life.  It defines me in so many ways - not to say that it embodies who I am, but so many things can be drawn from it.  I also was questioning how my motivation has changed from when I first started until now, and what can be drawn from THAT.

Initially, I started running in an effort to look better for someone I was in a relationship with and to make me feel better about myself.  Yeah, I know, I should be doing it for me and blah blah blah...but let's be real, people - it ALWAYS is for yourself that you are doing it for.  No matter WHAT the reasoning is.

I ran to look better for someone because I was afraid of losing them.  I didn't improve THEIR quality of life by looking better...I was trying to stabilize MY quality of life.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Insecure?  Totally.  But this was the motivation at first.  Plus, one of her 'friends' said something particularly mean about her going from 'one fat Italian to another' when we started dating.  More insecurity...just what I needed. 

The weight started coming off slowly.  This was February.  I was 'running' anywhere from 1-1.5 miles at a time, averaging about 12:30-14:00 min per mile.  I put 'running' in quotes because it was part running/part walking/all torture to me.  I didn't like running, but started getting into a routine of running regularly.  It actually helped me be a bit more organized with my time management and concentrate on what I was eating as well. 

Around the end of April, there was some turmoil in my relationship.  Not to go into detail, but I felt in my gut that something was wrong (I was correct) and I started pushing harder and becoming more enveloping to compensate.  This didn't help my mental state at ALL and drove me 'nanners.  So, what I decided to do was channel that energy into running.  Once again, the paradigm shifted.  The miles had increased per run to around 1.5-2 miles per run...averaging 11:41 per mile (I recorded 11 miles in April on my GPS tracker but I was doing a lot more on the treadmill, too...)

NOW I felt like I had something to prove - that I was worth something and that I was worth having.  I used this as motivation and to blow off the steam I needed to release.  It worked.  The weight started falling off like perfectly cooked ribs from the bone (weird food analogy when discussing weight loss, I know) and I started feeling more confident in my appearance.  Clothes I regularly wore started to fit strange - as in NOT fitting - and older pants and shirts that I hadn't worn in years started to fit again!  Shopping became fun as I tried on clothes that weren't in the 'tent' section of the men's department.
I recorded 25 miles in May at 10:59 per mile average.  My confidence went way up, and my relationship did, too...  The motivation was changing once again.

In June, I kept running and watching my weight because now I was in sight of the weight loss goals I had set for myself (I wanted to lose 51 lbs).  I had made it more than halfway at this point.  Things were looking good, I was looking better, and the future was looking bright (but I didn't have to wear shades) - but I slacked a bit because I was happy.  Only recorded 20 miles in June, and the avg per mile went up to 11:06.

July was funky - I actually hurt myself taking a bad step in Costco and tweaked my hip and back real bad.  Couldn't run for half the month.  I was scared that it would be a long, drawn out recovery like the last time that happened - it took about 18 MONTHS to heal.  Thankfully I was able to work the pain out, and by the end of the month I was mobile again, but it was a serious setback in the training, and the weight loss had stopped.

Speaking of setback, as I had mentioned in my last blog post, August was horrific for me personally.  lots of negative things happened to me - including my relationship ending.  Needless to say, that left me witha TON of negative energy and misplaced anger, frustration, sadness, etc.  The motivation was changing yet again, but I was so broken and hurt that I couldn't channel that energy initially.  It really took a laser-like focus to shift the negativity to work FOR me as opposed to bringing me down even further than I was.  Really, it wouldn't have taken much for that to happen - giving in to the negativity.  I guess it could have been like Annakin Skywalker being tempted by the Dark Side - it's really powerful and easy to sink into, and very difficult to come back from.  I opted to stick with the Rebel Alliance and become a Jedi.  By the end of August I was running 5K distances with less difficulty.  30 miles run, 11:03 average.

I felt that I REALLY had something to prove now...though I wasn't sure to who...or what.  This shift was way weird for me.  It was like an open ended question where no answers were correct, but every answer would have worked.  I decided not to think about it too much and just focus on hitting benchmarks - letting THAT be the focus.  Hitting goals.  In September I ran 44 miles at 10:44 per mile.  I was getting faster and running longer.  I ran eight 5k training runs in September.  I ran a total of 6 in my LIFETIME previous to that.

Starting in October I was feeling better about life.  Most of the major issues had passed, though I was still dealing with mending my broken heart (and pride).  I decided to give myself a challenge - I signed up for a Half Marathon (I mention this in my last post as well).  This goes back to me shooting for benchmarks as my motivation, but also giving longer term goals.  I have always been one for the short ter, immediate gratification, here-today-gone-later-today type goals.  I needed to work for something, I believed.  The minute I entered, though, I though to myself  "YOU ARE FUCKING INSANE!"  My inner monologue was SCREAMING at me!  Every day I have to tell it to shut up.  I do that by getting out there and running my ass off.  I started running one longer run a week, doing 4 runs of 5-7 miles in addition to seven 5k training runs and my other, shorter trainings.  61 miles run in October, 10:39 per mile avg.

I started off November with my first official 10k run, which I entered last minute once I noticed that there was a race happening down the block from where I live!!  That was one of 3 races I ran this month alone - did that 10k (Celebration Run San Diego), the Damon Runyon 5k at Yankee Stadium where I raised a bunch of money for cancer research, and the Garden City 5 mile Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving.  I had run 2 official races in the past 3 years, and here I am doing 3 in a month.  Motivation is changing again.  I guess I am getting competitive.  I see the results and, being the artist I am, I am not pleased with what I see.  I always see room for improvement - I want to be faster, I want to place higher in my age group and in overall standings.  I don't necessarily need to WIN the races but I do want to be in the upper percentile.  So there is where I stand now... Currently in November - 54 miles run at 10:15 per mile average.

Now, I am NOT saying that I am not pleased with what I have done, though I AM guilty of losing sight of that sometimes...especially recently.  I was not happy with my time in the Turkey Trot, but I ran the damn thing with an injured leg.  I give myself no slack, sometimes...  I need to improve on that.

With that said, I am VERY happy with how far I have come.  I never thought I would ever be complaining about my time in a 5 mile race.  I never though I would be getting ready to go out and do a 6 mile training run (as I am when I'm done writing this), but that is happening.  I am proud of what I have accomplished, and I am sure that I will get better, stronger, faster (shout out to Steve Austin!) in the months to come.  I am already planning out the runs I am going to do next year - Rock N Roll Marathons in San Diego and Las Vegas (MAYBE New Orleans if I have a reason to be there again), already signed up for the Celebration run again, and probably a bunch of others.  I actually am still not a big fan of running, but I enjoy the results more and more, and like the saying goes - "The end justifies the means".

Peace, y'all!

 - M