Y'know, the other day I was thinking to myself how much of a metaphor running has become in my life. It defines me in so many ways - not to say that it embodies who I am, but so many things can be drawn from it. I also was questioning how my motivation has changed from when I first started until now, and what can be drawn from THAT.
Initially, I started running in an effort to look better for someone I was in a relationship with and to make me feel better about myself. Yeah, I know, I should be doing it for me and blah blah blah...but let's be real, people - it ALWAYS is for yourself that you are doing it for. No matter WHAT the reasoning is.
I ran to look better for someone because I was afraid of losing them. I didn't improve THEIR quality of life by looking better...I was trying to stabilize MY quality of life. Selfish? Maybe. Insecure? Totally. But this was the motivation at first. Plus, one of her 'friends' said something particularly mean about her going from 'one fat Italian to another' when we started dating. More insecurity...just what I needed.
The weight started coming off slowly. This was February. I was 'running' anywhere from 1-1.5 miles at a time, averaging about 12:30-14:00 min per mile. I put 'running' in quotes because it was part running/part walking/all torture to me. I didn't like running, but started getting
into a routine of running regularly. It actually helped me be a bit
more organized with my time management and concentrate on what I was
eating as well.
Around the end of April, there was some turmoil in my relationship. Not to go into detail, but I felt in my gut that something was wrong (I was correct) and I started pushing harder and becoming more enveloping to compensate. This didn't help my mental state at ALL and drove me 'nanners. So, what I decided to do was channel that energy into running. Once again, the paradigm shifted. The miles had increased per run to around 1.5-2 miles per run...averaging 11:41 per mile (I recorded 11 miles in April on my GPS tracker but I was doing a lot more on the treadmill, too...)
NOW I felt like I had something to prove - that I was worth something and that I was worth having. I used this as motivation and to blow off the steam I needed to release. It worked. The weight started falling off like perfectly cooked ribs from the bone (weird food analogy when discussing weight loss, I know) and I started feeling more confident in my appearance. Clothes I regularly wore started to fit strange - as in NOT fitting - and older pants and shirts that I hadn't worn in years started to fit again! Shopping became fun as I tried on clothes that weren't in the 'tent' section of the men's department.
I recorded 25 miles in May at 10:59 per mile average. My confidence went way up, and my relationship did, too... The motivation was changing once again.
In June, I kept running and watching my weight because now I was in sight of the weight loss goals I had set for myself (I wanted to lose 51 lbs). I had made it more than halfway at this point. Things were looking good, I was looking better, and the future was looking bright (but I didn't have to wear shades) - but I slacked a bit because I was happy. Only recorded 20 miles in June, and the avg per mile went up to 11:06.
July was funky - I actually hurt myself taking a bad step in Costco and tweaked my hip and back real bad. Couldn't run for half the month. I was scared that it would be a long, drawn out recovery like the last time that happened - it took about 18 MONTHS to heal. Thankfully I was able to work the pain out, and by the end of the month I was mobile again, but it was a serious setback in the training, and the weight loss had stopped.
Speaking of setback, as I had mentioned in my last blog post, August was horrific for me personally. lots of negative things happened to me - including my relationship ending. Needless to say, that left me witha TON of negative energy and misplaced anger, frustration, sadness, etc. The motivation was changing yet again, but I was so broken and hurt that I couldn't channel that energy initially. It really took a laser-like focus to shift the negativity to work FOR me as opposed to bringing me down even further than I was. Really, it wouldn't have taken much for that to happen - giving in to the negativity. I guess it could have been like Annakin Skywalker being tempted by the Dark Side - it's really powerful and easy to sink into, and very difficult to come back from. I opted to stick with the Rebel Alliance and become a Jedi. By the end of August I was running 5K distances with less difficulty. 30 miles run, 11:03 average.
I felt that I REALLY had something to prove now...though I wasn't sure to who...or what. This shift was way weird for me. It was like an open ended question where no answers were correct, but every answer would have worked. I decided not to think about it too much and just focus on hitting benchmarks - letting THAT be the focus. Hitting goals. In September I ran 44 miles at 10:44 per mile. I was getting faster and running longer. I ran eight 5k training runs in September. I ran a total of 6 in my LIFETIME previous to that.
Starting in October I was feeling better about life. Most of the major issues had passed, though I was still dealing with mending my broken heart (and pride). I decided to give myself a challenge - I signed up for a Half Marathon (I mention this in my last post as well). This goes back to me shooting for benchmarks as my motivation, but also giving longer term goals. I have always been one for the short ter, immediate gratification, here-today-gone-later-today type goals. I needed to work for something, I believed. The minute I entered, though, I though to myself "YOU ARE FUCKING INSANE!" My inner monologue was SCREAMING at me! Every day I have to tell it to shut up. I do that by getting out there and running my ass off. I started running one longer run a week, doing 4 runs of 5-7 miles in addition to seven 5k training runs and my other, shorter trainings. 61 miles run in October, 10:39 per mile avg.
I started off November with my first official 10k run, which I entered last minute once I noticed that there was a race happening down the block from where I live!! That was one of 3 races I ran this month alone - did that 10k (Celebration Run San Diego), the Damon Runyon 5k at Yankee Stadium where I raised a bunch of money for cancer research, and the Garden City 5 mile Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. I had run 2 official races in the past 3 years, and here I am doing 3 in a month. Motivation is changing again. I guess I am getting competitive. I see the results and, being the artist I am, I am not pleased with what I see. I always see room for improvement - I want to be faster, I want to place higher in my age group and in overall standings. I don't necessarily need to WIN the races but I do want to be in the upper percentile. So there is where I stand now... Currently in November - 54 miles run at 10:15 per mile average.
Now, I am NOT saying that I am not pleased with what I have done, though I AM guilty of losing sight of that sometimes...especially recently. I was not happy with my time in the Turkey Trot, but I ran the damn thing with an injured leg. I give myself no slack, sometimes... I need to improve on that.
With that said, I am VERY happy with how far I have come. I never thought I would ever be complaining about my time in a 5 mile race. I never though I would be getting ready to go out and do a 6 mile training run (as I am when I'm done writing this), but that is happening. I am proud of what I have accomplished, and I am sure that I will get better, stronger, faster (shout out to Steve Austin!) in the months to come. I am already planning out the runs I am going to do next year - Rock N Roll Marathons in San Diego and Las Vegas (MAYBE New Orleans if I have a reason to be there again), already signed up for the Celebration run again, and probably a bunch of others. I actually am still not a big fan of running, but I enjoy the results more and more, and like the saying goes - "The end justifies the means".
Peace, y'all!
- M
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Worst 8 week period of my life...but its over!
Really had the worst 8 week period of my life...I talked about this a bit in my last blog post.
But, to get more specific:
In an effort to de-clutter my life, be more organized, and generally straighten things in my apartment I was mounting my 55" tv on the wall. Somehow, when i put it on a flat surface so as not to break it, I managed to leave a cable duplexer jack (you know, you put cable in one end and 2 cables out other end) on the flat surface. The surface was no longer flat. The TV went crunch...fuck. $1200 spent on another TV, and an SUV rental to get it home because I own a Mustang.
Part of this cleanup/de-clutter effort was to have the place set up and all nice for the love of my life visiting. Instead, she decided that it was in her best interest to not be with me or anyone at the moment. Her wishes are her wishes...and NO ONE will ever tell her that she made a mistake.
I will. She did. Her loss. Big time. No doubt.
With that, I rededicated myself to running in an effort to manage the pain and get motivated and drive my anger, upset, disappointment, and self loathing all into one activity. More on that in a bit.
Anyway, being that I am emotional wreck at that point, I needed to not be home. Went back on the road, and then went to Vegas for a weekend to see an old friend from HS that I haven't seen SINCE high school. We had a great time - we laughed, we drank, we ate...and God DAMN she is a big heaping scoop of SEXY! (Sorry to embarrass you, Sylvia...but yeah...you are).
However, my idea of blowing off steam is to gamble. And I did. Quickly lost 4 figures...sucked!!!!! More depression.
Then the next week, as I was about to leave for Florida to get away again...I flooded my apartment. And the 2 below me. And I am on the hook for that. I'm just thankful for insurance!!!
And as I was dealing with ALLLLL of that, I was on the road to start roadshows, and I developed Kidney Stones. In addition, a simultaneous, massive bout of constipation compounded ALL.
That. Sucked. Hardcore.
I know, some of this is definitively TMI, but hey, w are all human...this could happen to anyone.
What I learned from all this is that A) I need to be better hydrated, B) in a relationship, happiness lasts only as long as it is mutual. That disintegrated in no time at all, and I still have questions....but hey... C) Most important, I have some really, really good friends around me that want me to be happy and do well, but also are respectful of my wishes when I ask that they don't speak ill of others. It's classless. Plus, you never know what the future holds...though I am no longer considering her as a possibility. How could I? If someone told me that she and I would reconvene on X day...yeah, I'd wait. For sure. But that doesn't happen, and I don't want to wait. I want to move on and be happy again. I deserve that. For once, I thought I was doing the right thing (for the most part) in a relationship...but sometimes that isn't enough. It really sucks, but ya have to get past it. I was driving myself bananas - over analyzing EVERYTHING. Meanwhile, things are pretty much black and white. They are what they are. We move on.
So that comes back to the running thing. I have been running pretty regularly this year in an effort to lose weight. Largely, I have been successful. I have lost over 40 lbs to date, and my longest run is up to 7 miles.
I signed up for a Half Marathon because I am complete idiot and hypocrite. I SWORE I would never do anything like this. Mainly because I hate running - I LIKE THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I AM DONE but running itself can suck a seal boner.
At least it is a Star Wars themed one in Disney. So that will make things a bit interesting.
The thing about running, though, is that it gives me what I feel is a tangible benchmark of success. If I run 7 miles, that can be measured. Lifting weights is similar but less of an endurance test, and I guess harder to measure physically. When I go running I weigh myself before AND after a run to see how much energy and water I burned off, Routinely, a 5k will get me 4lbs cut off. When I run longer - say 6.55 miles - I lost 6+ lbs AND I was hydrating along the way...so your body burns during runs!
That means I have a LOT of water to drink by the time I am done! (you are supposed to re hydrate what you lost when you finish) But mostly, I chose this half marathon because I wanted to do something big. Something not insurmountable, but certainly a big, big challenge. I chose it to show that I am better than some people may think. I chose it because I am better than I show. I still have some growing to do - AS WE ALL DO - and I intend to drive that message home anytime I can.
Ok, the ambien is really kicking in...I gotta go to bed....more to come...
But, to get more specific:
In an effort to de-clutter my life, be more organized, and generally straighten things in my apartment I was mounting my 55" tv on the wall. Somehow, when i put it on a flat surface so as not to break it, I managed to leave a cable duplexer jack (you know, you put cable in one end and 2 cables out other end) on the flat surface. The surface was no longer flat. The TV went crunch...fuck. $1200 spent on another TV, and an SUV rental to get it home because I own a Mustang.
Part of this cleanup/de-clutter effort was to have the place set up and all nice for the love of my life visiting. Instead, she decided that it was in her best interest to not be with me or anyone at the moment. Her wishes are her wishes...and NO ONE will ever tell her that she made a mistake.
I will. She did. Her loss. Big time. No doubt.
With that, I rededicated myself to running in an effort to manage the pain and get motivated and drive my anger, upset, disappointment, and self loathing all into one activity. More on that in a bit.
Anyway, being that I am emotional wreck at that point, I needed to not be home. Went back on the road, and then went to Vegas for a weekend to see an old friend from HS that I haven't seen SINCE high school. We had a great time - we laughed, we drank, we ate...and God DAMN she is a big heaping scoop of SEXY! (Sorry to embarrass you, Sylvia...but yeah...you are).
However, my idea of blowing off steam is to gamble. And I did. Quickly lost 4 figures...sucked!!!!! More depression.
Then the next week, as I was about to leave for Florida to get away again...I flooded my apartment. And the 2 below me. And I am on the hook for that. I'm just thankful for insurance!!!
And as I was dealing with ALLLLL of that, I was on the road to start roadshows, and I developed Kidney Stones. In addition, a simultaneous, massive bout of constipation compounded ALL.
That. Sucked. Hardcore.
I know, some of this is definitively TMI, but hey, w are all human...this could happen to anyone.
What I learned from all this is that A) I need to be better hydrated, B) in a relationship, happiness lasts only as long as it is mutual. That disintegrated in no time at all, and I still have questions....but hey... C) Most important, I have some really, really good friends around me that want me to be happy and do well, but also are respectful of my wishes when I ask that they don't speak ill of others. It's classless. Plus, you never know what the future holds...though I am no longer considering her as a possibility. How could I? If someone told me that she and I would reconvene on X day...yeah, I'd wait. For sure. But that doesn't happen, and I don't want to wait. I want to move on and be happy again. I deserve that. For once, I thought I was doing the right thing (for the most part) in a relationship...but sometimes that isn't enough. It really sucks, but ya have to get past it. I was driving myself bananas - over analyzing EVERYTHING. Meanwhile, things are pretty much black and white. They are what they are. We move on.
So that comes back to the running thing. I have been running pretty regularly this year in an effort to lose weight. Largely, I have been successful. I have lost over 40 lbs to date, and my longest run is up to 7 miles.
I signed up for a Half Marathon because I am complete idiot and hypocrite. I SWORE I would never do anything like this. Mainly because I hate running - I LIKE THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I AM DONE but running itself can suck a seal boner.
At least it is a Star Wars themed one in Disney. So that will make things a bit interesting.
The thing about running, though, is that it gives me what I feel is a tangible benchmark of success. If I run 7 miles, that can be measured. Lifting weights is similar but less of an endurance test, and I guess harder to measure physically. When I go running I weigh myself before AND after a run to see how much energy and water I burned off, Routinely, a 5k will get me 4lbs cut off. When I run longer - say 6.55 miles - I lost 6+ lbs AND I was hydrating along the way...so your body burns during runs!
That means I have a LOT of water to drink by the time I am done! (you are supposed to re hydrate what you lost when you finish) But mostly, I chose this half marathon because I wanted to do something big. Something not insurmountable, but certainly a big, big challenge. I chose it to show that I am better than some people may think. I chose it because I am better than I show. I still have some growing to do - AS WE ALL DO - and I intend to drive that message home anytime I can.
Ok, the ambien is really kicking in...I gotta go to bed....more to come...
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
What a difference...
Less than 2 months ago, I was on top of the world - work was going great, I was in love with the greatest woman on the planet, bills were dwindling...apart from some upcoming bumps in the road I had known about things were pretty much awesome.
And then everything fell apart.
Work is still going well, so I am not really complaining about that - though things have slowed a bunch and sales are definitely at a premium.
My relationship crumbled apart in the span of about 3 weeks - and I had very little to do with it, really.
Made some fantastic mistakes which is going to cost me $$$...hopefully not much, though.
And I am incredibly empty and alone now.
All of this really sucks, but I know one thing - I AM STRONGER THAN ALL OF THIS. I am better than this and I definitely deserve better. I am working hard at improving ME in the meantime and turning all this negative energy and anger into something better. I am losing weight again (healthily), running longer and farther than ever, and pushing myself in the gym.
I am playing more guitar than I have in years and actually doing a gig with a friend next week back in NY. It's his gig, but I'm gonna sit in and play a bunch of songs. We did this in August as well...was a great time and I am looking forward to this go 'round.
Got a killer concert to shoot this Friday - Chris Cornell solo at the Balboa Theatre. THAT is going to be awesome, though I no longer have anyone to go with. A little bittersweet.
Anyways, that is what has been happening and why I had been posting so much 'down' stuff. I am still down, and I probably will be for a while. I still love her and miss her terribly.
I'll bounce back. Better than ever...
And then everything fell apart.
Work is still going well, so I am not really complaining about that - though things have slowed a bunch and sales are definitely at a premium.
My relationship crumbled apart in the span of about 3 weeks - and I had very little to do with it, really.
Made some fantastic mistakes which is going to cost me $$$...hopefully not much, though.
And I am incredibly empty and alone now.
All of this really sucks, but I know one thing - I AM STRONGER THAN ALL OF THIS. I am better than this and I definitely deserve better. I am working hard at improving ME in the meantime and turning all this negative energy and anger into something better. I am losing weight again (healthily), running longer and farther than ever, and pushing myself in the gym.
I am playing more guitar than I have in years and actually doing a gig with a friend next week back in NY. It's his gig, but I'm gonna sit in and play a bunch of songs. We did this in August as well...was a great time and I am looking forward to this go 'round.
Got a killer concert to shoot this Friday - Chris Cornell solo at the Balboa Theatre. THAT is going to be awesome, though I no longer have anyone to go with. A little bittersweet.
Anyways, that is what has been happening and why I had been posting so much 'down' stuff. I am still down, and I probably will be for a while. I still love her and miss her terribly.
I'll bounce back. Better than ever...
Monday, August 24, 2015
I'm writing a lot recently...
Hope that is ok...
I mean, it's my friggin' blog, so it IS ok, and you can f**k off you don't like it...or something...
Is that too angry?
I'm actually in a decent mood today - travel was good, visited more stores than expected, got a phone call I have wanted for a while, ate a good lunch and dinner (though breakfast was a caloric travesty), and I actually had to tell myself it was OK NOT TO WORKOUT today. Before today, I ran 10 out of 11 days and worked out roughly every other day on top of it. Needed to step back and let the body heal. I'll be back at it tomorrow, though. Doing a morning/evening deal again...though I don't know where I am going to wind up tomorrow night - I'm ahead of schedule on store visits so things are a bit more 'fluid' as to where I end up tomorrow. I'll figure it out.
Anyways, yes, I am writing a lot here recently. I guess it is because I have had such a rough couple of weeks personally that I needed an avenue to get things out. I mean, I have friends and all, but after a while the stories get stale and sound rehearsed. my writings tend to be very much a 'stream-of-consciousness' kinda deal, which can be great until you get completely off track. Or boring. Like this blog entry is becoming. Sorry about that.
I really don't have much more to say tonight except that today was a pretty good day. If tomorrow is even better I will be thrilled. Hope that throwing it out to the universe like that will bear some fruit...we shall see...
- M
I mean, it's my friggin' blog, so it IS ok, and you can f**k off you don't like it...or something...
Is that too angry?
I'm actually in a decent mood today - travel was good, visited more stores than expected, got a phone call I have wanted for a while, ate a good lunch and dinner (though breakfast was a caloric travesty), and I actually had to tell myself it was OK NOT TO WORKOUT today. Before today, I ran 10 out of 11 days and worked out roughly every other day on top of it. Needed to step back and let the body heal. I'll be back at it tomorrow, though. Doing a morning/evening deal again...though I don't know where I am going to wind up tomorrow night - I'm ahead of schedule on store visits so things are a bit more 'fluid' as to where I end up tomorrow. I'll figure it out.
Anyways, yes, I am writing a lot here recently. I guess it is because I have had such a rough couple of weeks personally that I needed an avenue to get things out. I mean, I have friends and all, but after a while the stories get stale and sound rehearsed. my writings tend to be very much a 'stream-of-consciousness' kinda deal, which can be great until you get completely off track. Or boring. Like this blog entry is becoming. Sorry about that.
I really don't have much more to say tonight except that today was a pretty good day. If tomorrow is even better I will be thrilled. Hope that throwing it out to the universe like that will bear some fruit...we shall see...
- M
Sunday, August 23, 2015
If you want it, here it is...
...come and get it...
I love that Badfinger song - which was written by Sir Paul McCartney, by the way.
Basically, that song popped in my head because it seems to accurately reflect my attitude over the past week or so. If you want something bad enough, go get it... That truly is the mantra that I will be following going forward. I've done it to an extent, but over the past week I have taken a harder look at myself and saw ways to be more consistent with this. I have also seen people recklessly throwing opportunities away because they sell themselves short or are just too fucking lazy to deal with things in a way that would get them EVERYTHING they wanted. Or both, actually. One sort of perpetuates the other.
I don't want to be that person. I HAVE been that person in the past and I don't want to be that person again. I have too much pride in myself to sell myself short or settle for less than what I want, and therefore I am really pushing myself and my abilities.
Example: as I had written yesterday, I set a new PR for running a mile. I run more than a mile, but I like to see what my fastest mile can be and work to improve my average mile. For a long time, I was stuck around 9:21 or so. Yesterday, 9:19! I was happy! I made it known that my next goal was going to be breaking 9 minutes.
Today, I RAN AN 8:36 MILE! I couldn't believe it! I took all this anger and frustration I have felt over the past couple of weeks and really started channeling it into my fitness. It is obviously paying off. I pushed myself real hard, and yes, it hurt a bit that last tenth of a mile, but I don't care. I felt GREAT after seeing my time.
Another example: Yesterday, I played a gig for the first time in YEARS. 16 years to be exact. It wasn't MY gig - a friend had an acoustic gig at a vineyard on the North Fork of Long Island - and I asked if I could sit in for some songs. I basically sat in for about 2 sets worth of songs, playing mostly stuff I have NEVER played before...ever...I think of the 20 or so songs I played with him I played 18 for the first time - no practice, not even knowing the chords. Talk about trial by fire!
It was the most fun I have had in a while, and I miss that feeling. I need that feeling of excitement and childlike joy back in my life. It's been gone for too long even though it's only been a few weeks.
No one is going to provide this for me on their own, though. I have to go out and get it. I know what I want. I know where it is. I just need to get it.
"Did I hear you say that there must be a catch?"
Yep, there most certainly is a catch...but that's only because I am allowing there to be one. I need to either change my perspective on this subject or shift focus completely to another subject. In either case, the 'catch' needs to go. There should be nothing weighing down happiness. There shouldn't be restraints on what or who inspires you daily, what or who drives you to be a better person. It should be invited, welcomed, and embraced. However, if you wait too long to make that decision...well, as the song says:
"You better hurry 'cause its going fast!"
Nothing waits forever...grab it while you can. Live in the now and make it your future.
Peace y'all...
- M
I love that Badfinger song - which was written by Sir Paul McCartney, by the way.
Basically, that song popped in my head because it seems to accurately reflect my attitude over the past week or so. If you want something bad enough, go get it... That truly is the mantra that I will be following going forward. I've done it to an extent, but over the past week I have taken a harder look at myself and saw ways to be more consistent with this. I have also seen people recklessly throwing opportunities away because they sell themselves short or are just too fucking lazy to deal with things in a way that would get them EVERYTHING they wanted. Or both, actually. One sort of perpetuates the other.
I don't want to be that person. I HAVE been that person in the past and I don't want to be that person again. I have too much pride in myself to sell myself short or settle for less than what I want, and therefore I am really pushing myself and my abilities.
Example: as I had written yesterday, I set a new PR for running a mile. I run more than a mile, but I like to see what my fastest mile can be and work to improve my average mile. For a long time, I was stuck around 9:21 or so. Yesterday, 9:19! I was happy! I made it known that my next goal was going to be breaking 9 minutes.
Today, I RAN AN 8:36 MILE! I couldn't believe it! I took all this anger and frustration I have felt over the past couple of weeks and really started channeling it into my fitness. It is obviously paying off. I pushed myself real hard, and yes, it hurt a bit that last tenth of a mile, but I don't care. I felt GREAT after seeing my time.
Another example: Yesterday, I played a gig for the first time in YEARS. 16 years to be exact. It wasn't MY gig - a friend had an acoustic gig at a vineyard on the North Fork of Long Island - and I asked if I could sit in for some songs. I basically sat in for about 2 sets worth of songs, playing mostly stuff I have NEVER played before...ever...I think of the 20 or so songs I played with him I played 18 for the first time - no practice, not even knowing the chords. Talk about trial by fire!
It was the most fun I have had in a while, and I miss that feeling. I need that feeling of excitement and childlike joy back in my life. It's been gone for too long even though it's only been a few weeks.
No one is going to provide this for me on their own, though. I have to go out and get it. I know what I want. I know where it is. I just need to get it.
"Did I hear you say that there must be a catch?"
Yep, there most certainly is a catch...but that's only because I am allowing there to be one. I need to either change my perspective on this subject or shift focus completely to another subject. In either case, the 'catch' needs to go. There should be nothing weighing down happiness. There shouldn't be restraints on what or who inspires you daily, what or who drives you to be a better person. It should be invited, welcomed, and embraced. However, if you wait too long to make that decision...well, as the song says:
"You better hurry 'cause its going fast!"
Nothing waits forever...grab it while you can. Live in the now and make it your future.
Peace y'all...
- M
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Turning it to something better...
Been a rough week - actually MONTH - to say the least, but I am making it through. How I am doing it is be rededicating myself to getting in better shape - just taking the negativity and turning it to something better... Set another PR for a mile today....felt good to do that.
Tomorrow I think I'll run 5k and try to set more records...I didn't even TRY today and it happened, so we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Lost some more weight. I am looking at 199 up ahead. Once I break that 200 mark I am home free! Haven't been 199 since college!
I know the past couple of posts haven't been all that enjoyable, but no one is reading this anyhow. This is for me... Putting it out to the world makes me feel like I am telling someone about this...makes me feel better.
Maybe one day I'll tell the tale of all that is going on with me. I'm hoping I never have to, though. If I don't have to, it'll be for a great reason!
In the meantime, stay the course and be true to yourselves...
Tomorrow I think I'll run 5k and try to set more records...I didn't even TRY today and it happened, so we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Lost some more weight. I am looking at 199 up ahead. Once I break that 200 mark I am home free! Haven't been 199 since college!
I know the past couple of posts haven't been all that enjoyable, but no one is reading this anyhow. This is for me... Putting it out to the world makes me feel like I am telling someone about this...makes me feel better.
Maybe one day I'll tell the tale of all that is going on with me. I'm hoping I never have to, though. If I don't have to, it'll be for a great reason!
In the meantime, stay the course and be true to yourselves...
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Love with reckless abandon...
Everything is a test. Everything is a challenge. How you make it through and deal with issues defines your character. You can go about things with grace and acceptance, or you can fight for what you believe in. Both are viable. I believe I am the latter. Sometimes that's bad, but I don't care. I regret nothing. I love hard. I love with reckless abandon. I make no excuses for it because that is how I am. I am an emotional person with a hard exterior. Do not mistake my soft center for weakness, though. I AM strong - I'm just not afraid to show emotion. This is me. This is who I am.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I hit the reset button today on many things and start at zero. Long road ahead...anyone feel like being a co-pilot? This soft centered person could really use a friend.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I hit the reset button today on many things and start at zero. Long road ahead...anyone feel like being a co-pilot? This soft centered person could really use a friend.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Top of the World and Ahead of the Wheel...
So, what's been going on recently?
Well, a LOT to say the least...been super busy and really haven't had much time to sit down and do something like add another entry to this blog.
But, here I sit on yet another flight to New Orleans, and I felt it was a good time to reflect on the first half of this year. And really, it's something that I have needed to do. There have been SO many emotions that have swayed me to and fro this year.
"One day I feel I'm on top of the world, and the next its falling in on me..."
- Rush, 2007
The highest highs to the lowest lows and everything in between have occurred so far this year...
Been in love,
Been hurt by the one you love,
Been MORE in love than ever before,
Been scared of that love,
Been successful at work,
Been scraping the bottom for sales,
Been heavier than I had in years,
Been LIGHTER than I have in years,
Got crappy bloodwork results,
Got AMAZING bloodwork results,
Had the worst back pain,
Back felt the best it has in years...
These are just some of the things that have transpired over the past nearly 7 months.
Thing is, I wouldn't trade any of this for the world at this point. I am pretty happy where things are headed in my life for once, and I know that there is still room to grow and improve - I HAVE NOT YET PEAKED.
But again, you can't appreciate the highs without knowing what the lows are...and I have felt so very low at times. It's scary to look back and see myself in that state of mind. The good news is that I KNEW where I was and what I needed to do to get out of it.
It was hard...very hard to pull myself out of those depths - but I did it. I proved to myself that I have the strength and resolve to overcome adversity, that I am a good person, that I am important to people and valuable to them.
And while that last part may not be how everyone measures their value, it's one of the ways I measure mine. The way I look at it, if I am not needed in someone's life or provide any worth to someone, then what am I doing? I'd feel as if I was just floating by, waiting for the end to come years down the road. To me, that is a real crappy way to exist, so I try to make myself valuable to others.
"One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel, and the next it's rolling over me..."
- same song
The value I provide differs from person to person, of course. My family values me differently than my girlfriend, my friends in general, or my co-workers. To some, I am a means to an end - not saying that in a bad way...but it's the truth. I have a job to perform at work to help my company reach its' goals. My employment is therefore a means to an end for them as I do all I can to help us hit our metrics (which, for the record, I am KILLING it so far this year...whoop WHOOP!)
I'd like to think that my girlfriend and my friends value me for my friendship, my loyalty, the experiences I share with them, the love I give to them and am happy to receive in return, the support I provide and they, again, give back.
My family values me for all of the above - all that makes me 'me', and I am forever grateful for that. I know my parents are proud of me and what I have achieved, and it's a really good feeling to have. There have been times that I know I haven't been all they thought I could be. And to some degree I think that still lingers a little bit - but that just proves how much they think of me. I'm sure they maybe would rather see me in a more professional role - laywer, doctor, etc - but I know that more than anything they want me to be happy. And I am. Very.
Currently, I am riding close to the 'Top of the world' or being 'ahead of the wheel' part of the song I am quoting by Rush (Far Cry...from Snakes and Arrows). I have quoted it before in my blog, as I am sure some of you have read, but the overarching theme of that song keeps playing out in my life. The last part of those lines is "I can get back on...I can get back on". THAT is the key to the song. That I can hit the highest highs, and then the lowest lows, but I NO LONGER LET THOSE LOWS DERAIL ME.
I am more confident then I have been in years. I feel very positive about my future. I know what I want, I know how to get it. It's nice to see the roadmap so clearly. Now it comes down to execution.
- I've lost over 30 lbs since the beginning of the year.
- I'm in the top 2 salespeople at work currently and I am WAY ahead of schedule for my yearly goals.
- I have an amazing, beautiful, talented, FILLED-with-crazy girlfriend who loves me and has become such a great cheerleader in the things that I do, and who has allowed me to love her like no other.
- We aren't perfect, but I think we are perfect for each other.
- I have made some great new friends and reconnected with some old ones.
- I have a THIRD city that I now call 'home' at times.
I'd like to think I am most decidedly executing the plan.
It's not done. Not even close... Still have debt to quash, goals to hit, people to see, love to give, places to live...and I know there will be speed bumps that will get in the way - some larger than others. I'll get through it. With the support of my family, friends, my love, and my co-workers who all believe me in me, I'll get through it. I can get back on...I can get back on!
Peace and love...
- M
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Dread in the Head...
Ever get that feeling that something terrible is going to happen?
I do...
I have it right now. It really sucks badly. I don't like feeling this way.
If what I am feeling is going to happen happens, then I am going to kind of hide myself away for a bit. I know it isn't the best way to deal with things, but it is my way.
Wish me luck...
I was mistaken...moving on...
I do...
I have it right now. It really sucks badly. I don't like feeling this way.
If what I am feeling is going to happen happens, then I am going to kind of hide myself away for a bit. I know it isn't the best way to deal with things, but it is my way.
I was mistaken...moving on...
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The Human Cadbury Egg
So, I'm a bit of a mess these days...
I know this will pass, but my emotions are in complete hyperdrive and I am having a hard time controlling them. The reasons why will be explained, but for now just know that this is where I am at currently.
I feel like the Human Cadbury Egg - hard shell exterior, but completely all sorts of gooey on the inside.
At this point, I am sure you are all asking "well, WHY? Just spit it out, you turd!"...and it's understandable. I have this great talent of deflecting from the main issues in order to fill in gaps that don't exist, or adding color commentary when it isn't necessary. Like now. See?
Anyways...
It's been a whirlwind since the beginning of the year. I finished 2014 as the #1 salesperson in my company (for U.S. Independent dealers) which I am incredibly proud of, I started traveling right out of the gate though I promised myself I wouldn't do that this year but the results were outstanding...and I fell in love. Hard. Really, really hard. All good stuff!!!
The last week is where things have gone a bit nutty, though.
My girlfriend lives in New Orleans. I don't mind that, though...especially considering how much I am on the road, and how much I love that city. It truly is an amazing place with rich culture, history, great people and great food. It also has Jolean, and right now that is what matters most.
The physical traveling is fine as well. I have lots of airline miles from all the flying I have done and they continue to grow. Now I have a reason to use them!
Since the beginning of the year we have been able to see each other an average of every other week. For people that live 2,000 miles away from each other, that is pretty remarkable. In fact, that is pretty good for some people that are married, it seems.
What I am having a hard time grappling with is containing my emotions. Case and point - this past weekend.
Jolean had come out to Cali to experience the shit show that is NAMM and hang out for a few days. As we are still getting to know each other more it was nice for her to see what I do and meet the great group of people I work with. We had an absolute blast together, and dropping her off at the airport was by far the most saddening and hurtful thing I have done in years. I was completely GUTTED. I knew then that I needed to see her as soon as possible.
I figured it would be great to visit her this past weekend and continue where we left off - enjoying each others company, letting things just HAPPEN so easy and effortlessly. Never have I experienced this. Never has it been so good with so little effort. This was meant to be...
But this past weekend was not meant to be. Sadly, this weekend Jolean's mother passed suddenly. I was in New Orleans with Jolean's family as she expired. We had spent the better part of 48 hours awake getting her mother an ambulance, into the hospital, speaking with doctors, etc, etc. It was rough all around - and yet I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with her...just to be there for her no matter what she needed. If she needed a hug, a kiss, an ear, a punching bag, a sounding board, it didn't matter. I wanted to be there for her.
I extended my trip an extra day so I could help as much as I could. I'm glad I did, and I think she was glad as well, though at first she was angry because she didn't want my company being angry at me taking off more time.
I did what I could, and I still felt like I could do more...I just don't know what. I felt like absolute shit leaving, but I have made plans to return this weekend for the memorial service.
However, since I have left, I have been an absolute wreck. My emotions feel like they are getting pulled in 25 directions. I'm glad to go back and see her because I love her so much, but I feel guilty feeling so happy when she is in pain. On top of that I feel so horrible because she IS in pain. It's manifesting itself in me. I get the pangs of overwhelming sadness when I think how I would feel if it were one of MY parents who had passed. My father is only one year older than Jolean's mom at the time of her death...my mother 4 years younger. The feeling of mortality is tangible.
I feel terrible because this is Jolean's pain - not mine. I feel selfish for feeling sad... It's her who is suffering. I need to be strong for her, not a weepy mess. I get all choked up when people tell me that I am a good man for doing what I can to be there for her, but I do it because it's RIGHT...because she is the greatest thing that has come into my life in years...because SHE DESERVES love and respect...but I shouldn't get choked up. Makes me feel almost self-congratulatory even though that isn't where it is coming from. Am I crazy???
Maybe I am just a complete idiot for feeling like this is wrong...I don't know. I'm all wrung out so I don't even know if I am thinking completely straight. I'm writing all this because this is where I come to get things off my chest and to see if there is anyone else that feels like I do. I'm sure there are...
I'm pretty sure Jolean is going to read this, too. I hope she understands why I had to get all this out.
If you ARE reading this, Jolean, I need to tell you again that I love you so very much. I know I say it a lot...but it's your fault - you did this to me! :-) I've been the hard shell for a long, long time. I've had my moments of gooey insides underneath this hard exterior, but this is so, so, SO different from anything I have ever experienced. I have trouble processing it from time to time, so please, bear with me. I promise it will be worth it. I will be there for you and fight for you no matter what. You asked me to promise that and I made that promise to you.
For everyone else, I will say for the record that you need to tell your parents that you love them and give them a big hug. You just never know what tomorrow will bring. Be excellent to each other and do something nice for someone tomorrow. Be supportive, be a friend... just be good.
Peace to all...
- MV
I know this will pass, but my emotions are in complete hyperdrive and I am having a hard time controlling them. The reasons why will be explained, but for now just know that this is where I am at currently.
I feel like the Human Cadbury Egg - hard shell exterior, but completely all sorts of gooey on the inside.
At this point, I am sure you are all asking "well, WHY? Just spit it out, you turd!"...and it's understandable. I have this great talent of deflecting from the main issues in order to fill in gaps that don't exist, or adding color commentary when it isn't necessary. Like now. See?
Anyways...
It's been a whirlwind since the beginning of the year. I finished 2014 as the #1 salesperson in my company (for U.S. Independent dealers) which I am incredibly proud of, I started traveling right out of the gate though I promised myself I wouldn't do that this year but the results were outstanding...and I fell in love. Hard. Really, really hard. All good stuff!!!
The last week is where things have gone a bit nutty, though.
My girlfriend lives in New Orleans. I don't mind that, though...especially considering how much I am on the road, and how much I love that city. It truly is an amazing place with rich culture, history, great people and great food. It also has Jolean, and right now that is what matters most.
The physical traveling is fine as well. I have lots of airline miles from all the flying I have done and they continue to grow. Now I have a reason to use them!
Since the beginning of the year we have been able to see each other an average of every other week. For people that live 2,000 miles away from each other, that is pretty remarkable. In fact, that is pretty good for some people that are married, it seems.
What I am having a hard time grappling with is containing my emotions. Case and point - this past weekend.
Jolean had come out to Cali to experience the shit show that is NAMM and hang out for a few days. As we are still getting to know each other more it was nice for her to see what I do and meet the great group of people I work with. We had an absolute blast together, and dropping her off at the airport was by far the most saddening and hurtful thing I have done in years. I was completely GUTTED. I knew then that I needed to see her as soon as possible.
I figured it would be great to visit her this past weekend and continue where we left off - enjoying each others company, letting things just HAPPEN so easy and effortlessly. Never have I experienced this. Never has it been so good with so little effort. This was meant to be...
But this past weekend was not meant to be. Sadly, this weekend Jolean's mother passed suddenly. I was in New Orleans with Jolean's family as she expired. We had spent the better part of 48 hours awake getting her mother an ambulance, into the hospital, speaking with doctors, etc, etc. It was rough all around - and yet I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with her...just to be there for her no matter what she needed. If she needed a hug, a kiss, an ear, a punching bag, a sounding board, it didn't matter. I wanted to be there for her.
I extended my trip an extra day so I could help as much as I could. I'm glad I did, and I think she was glad as well, though at first she was angry because she didn't want my company being angry at me taking off more time.
I did what I could, and I still felt like I could do more...I just don't know what. I felt like absolute shit leaving, but I have made plans to return this weekend for the memorial service.
However, since I have left, I have been an absolute wreck. My emotions feel like they are getting pulled in 25 directions. I'm glad to go back and see her because I love her so much, but I feel guilty feeling so happy when she is in pain. On top of that I feel so horrible because she IS in pain. It's manifesting itself in me. I get the pangs of overwhelming sadness when I think how I would feel if it were one of MY parents who had passed. My father is only one year older than Jolean's mom at the time of her death...my mother 4 years younger. The feeling of mortality is tangible.
I feel terrible because this is Jolean's pain - not mine. I feel selfish for feeling sad... It's her who is suffering. I need to be strong for her, not a weepy mess. I get all choked up when people tell me that I am a good man for doing what I can to be there for her, but I do it because it's RIGHT...because she is the greatest thing that has come into my life in years...because SHE DESERVES love and respect...but I shouldn't get choked up. Makes me feel almost self-congratulatory even though that isn't where it is coming from. Am I crazy???
Maybe I am just a complete idiot for feeling like this is wrong...I don't know. I'm all wrung out so I don't even know if I am thinking completely straight. I'm writing all this because this is where I come to get things off my chest and to see if there is anyone else that feels like I do. I'm sure there are...
I'm pretty sure Jolean is going to read this, too. I hope she understands why I had to get all this out.
If you ARE reading this, Jolean, I need to tell you again that I love you so very much. I know I say it a lot...but it's your fault - you did this to me! :-) I've been the hard shell for a long, long time. I've had my moments of gooey insides underneath this hard exterior, but this is so, so, SO different from anything I have ever experienced. I have trouble processing it from time to time, so please, bear with me. I promise it will be worth it. I will be there for you and fight for you no matter what. You asked me to promise that and I made that promise to you.
For everyone else, I will say for the record that you need to tell your parents that you love them and give them a big hug. You just never know what tomorrow will bring. Be excellent to each other and do something nice for someone tomorrow. Be supportive, be a friend... just be good.
Peace to all...
- MV
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Happy New Year... I hate resolutions...
Yeah, I hate resolutions... See one of my posts from a couple of years ago. It's a detailed rant on resolutions. I should probably read it again myself...
Anyways, even though I hate resolutions, I am going to resolve to do some things this year - and all of them are important, but not really measurable. This is by design. There is no 'measuring stick' or level that needs to be reached in order for these resolutions to be consider 'resolved'...they just need to happen in some fashion, the more the better...
Why am I doing this? Because all these thoughts and motivations I have for these items have all been coming to me around the change of the yearly calendar. May as well jump on the bandwagon, right? Even if I have been doing some of these BEFORE the new year...
These resolutions are my own, but I am sure are shared by many. There are many things that we are united in wanting to do. We have the best intentions...but doesn't the saying go 'the road to Hell is paved with good intentions'?
I'm not saying we are all going to Hell...even though that is probably where all the fun is. What I AM saying (or asking) is...why make resolutions that you may not achieve? That 'Road to Hell' gets shorter and shorter with every resolution broken/cancelled/forwarded to the following year. If your 'Franklin Planner of life' keeps getting stuff crossed out and never checked off then maybe you have to take a look at yourself and figure out what you REALLY want. Be a wo/man of action and follow through. All these resolutions I will do (barring injury) and will make good on. I do many of these daily now, and it is good to have that sort of 'sense of completion' even without having a tangible goal. I may have to think about doing them, but anything done long enough becomes a habit, and then you are off and running.
Actually, maybe they shouldn't be called 'resolutions'...maybe they should be referred to as '2015 Habits to be Formed'. I think I like that....
So, here are the habits I'd like to form in 2015:
- COOK MORE: This one is multi level. For those of you that know me well enough, you know there are few things I love doing: Photography, traveling, anything guitar oriented...and COOKING. I have had some of you dear readers over for lunch/dinner...mostly good, sometimes failed experiments, though. Well, recently I realized how much I have missed doing this. Not that I haven't done ANY cooking, it's just that I am getting inventive again and want to keep this enthusiasm going.
So, I got some GREAT kitchen items for Christmas (Honesuki knife, Molecular Gastronomy starter package, Nutri-Bullet, etc) and I am going to use them often. The Molecular Gastronomy stuff is going to be tough, I think, but it'll be cool...Making little gerbs of explosive flavor, adding foams to dishes...all very cool stuff.
I also just need to COOK MORE. The more I cook, the better I eat and the better I look...therefore COOKING MORE. Why does that last sentence feel like it came out of a culinary rap song? Anyways, I digress...
- WORKOUT MORE: Ok, I guess this one needs to have a qualifier of some type. I now work out 2-4 times a week and try to make many excuses not to do it. Mostly, though, it's my balky back that gets in the way of me doing more. But I KNOW what exercises I can do without hurting my back...so I WILL DO MORE OF THEM and get to 4x a week in the gym. Get myself back to the 5+ gym-visits-a-week guy I was not even 2 years ago...and therefore strengthen my back!!!!
- PAY DOWN DEBT: This is something that I have been working on over the past 5 years with varying degrees of success and failure. Part of this is the thing in me that says 'have fun, think about it later' that always gets me into some sort of trouble or awkward position. I kinda don't care...I like that about me. HOWEVER, that part of me needs to go on a vacation for a bit. I'll be doing less frivolous spending and more bill-paying. Got things I wanna do!!!
- ELIMINATING NEGATIVE/STRESSFUL PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS: I have found that my tolerance for nonsense and bullshit is reaching a red-zone rapidly. Basically, I am tired of the people that always say they 'can't' do something, when it 's more that that WON'T do something.
Example: Person has money issues, out of work, etc. Person smokes a pack a day. When the suggestion 'Hey why don't you stop smoking and you'll have almost $300 more a month' is put forth, the answer is some derivative of 'This is the only thing that keeps me sane' or 'I'm too stressed and can't quit now'. Ok, then I hope you get kicked out of your apartment because you didn't pay your rent because you spent the money on cigarettes because you are a big dummy. That type of person will be missing from my inner circle in 2015. I don't need you dragging me down when I am trying to climb the ladder of life. If I want stress, I can make one phone call and get ALL the stress I need...not hard to find - I seem to be a magnet. So, goodbye to those that fall into this category. If you aren't sure if you fit into this category and have a guilty conscience about it, ask me...I'll let you know.
- SHOOT MORE SHOWS: Man, I really want to do more photography this year. I don't have all the equipment I want to have at this point, but what I have works great. Really, it's just a cool hobby. I make ZERO money from this, and I would LOVE to monetize it. I may be able to if someone asks to see my stuff for a live album or magazine...but I also don't push the issue and force my will on anyone in the music biz. I'm happy to shoot the shows and want to do more. I am available for hire, but I don't do children's parties :-P Anyway, more...more photography.
- BE AT PEACE WITH WHO I AM BUT DRIVEN TO ALWAYS IMPROVE: We all have something to work on. No matter who you are, there is something that can be improved. Now, I don't say that to bring down anyone or make drama. It's simply the truth and I know I really need to improve myself. One of the things I need to work on is to like 'me' more. I'm not saying I hate myself and feel I am worth less than nothing. Not even close. I like who I am and what I have done, and am proud of it. It's just that there are parts of me that I don't like - internal and external - and I beat myself up over it. I just need to step back more and be more thankful for what I have, and what I want to improve will be improved if I REALLY want to. All up to me.
- BE GOOD: I just want to be good - I want to be good at work, at home, to myself, to others. I want to be good at all I do and leave it all 'on the field'. I don't want to regret not finishing or completing things. I want to be trustworthy and a good friend. I want to be good. This is a lifelong pursuit. It's a tough one...but worth chasing, I think.
That about sums it all up, really. If you wish to share what habits you would like to create I'd love to hear them. In any case, Happy New Year to all! Catch you on the next entry :-)
- M
Anyways, even though I hate resolutions, I am going to resolve to do some things this year - and all of them are important, but not really measurable. This is by design. There is no 'measuring stick' or level that needs to be reached in order for these resolutions to be consider 'resolved'...they just need to happen in some fashion, the more the better...
Why am I doing this? Because all these thoughts and motivations I have for these items have all been coming to me around the change of the yearly calendar. May as well jump on the bandwagon, right? Even if I have been doing some of these BEFORE the new year...
These resolutions are my own, but I am sure are shared by many. There are many things that we are united in wanting to do. We have the best intentions...but doesn't the saying go 'the road to Hell is paved with good intentions'?
I'm not saying we are all going to Hell...even though that is probably where all the fun is. What I AM saying (or asking) is...why make resolutions that you may not achieve? That 'Road to Hell' gets shorter and shorter with every resolution broken/cancelled/forwarded to the following year. If your 'Franklin Planner of life' keeps getting stuff crossed out and never checked off then maybe you have to take a look at yourself and figure out what you REALLY want. Be a wo/man of action and follow through. All these resolutions I will do (barring injury) and will make good on. I do many of these daily now, and it is good to have that sort of 'sense of completion' even without having a tangible goal. I may have to think about doing them, but anything done long enough becomes a habit, and then you are off and running.
Actually, maybe they shouldn't be called 'resolutions'...maybe they should be referred to as '2015 Habits to be Formed'. I think I like that....
So, here are the habits I'd like to form in 2015:
- COOK MORE: This one is multi level. For those of you that know me well enough, you know there are few things I love doing: Photography, traveling, anything guitar oriented...and COOKING. I have had some of you dear readers over for lunch/dinner...mostly good, sometimes failed experiments, though. Well, recently I realized how much I have missed doing this. Not that I haven't done ANY cooking, it's just that I am getting inventive again and want to keep this enthusiasm going.
So, I got some GREAT kitchen items for Christmas (Honesuki knife, Molecular Gastronomy starter package, Nutri-Bullet, etc) and I am going to use them often. The Molecular Gastronomy stuff is going to be tough, I think, but it'll be cool...Making little gerbs of explosive flavor, adding foams to dishes...all very cool stuff.
I also just need to COOK MORE. The more I cook, the better I eat and the better I look...therefore COOKING MORE. Why does that last sentence feel like it came out of a culinary rap song? Anyways, I digress...
- WORKOUT MORE: Ok, I guess this one needs to have a qualifier of some type. I now work out 2-4 times a week and try to make many excuses not to do it. Mostly, though, it's my balky back that gets in the way of me doing more. But I KNOW what exercises I can do without hurting my back...so I WILL DO MORE OF THEM and get to 4x a week in the gym. Get myself back to the 5+ gym-visits-a-week guy I was not even 2 years ago...and therefore strengthen my back!!!!
- PAY DOWN DEBT: This is something that I have been working on over the past 5 years with varying degrees of success and failure. Part of this is the thing in me that says 'have fun, think about it later' that always gets me into some sort of trouble or awkward position. I kinda don't care...I like that about me. HOWEVER, that part of me needs to go on a vacation for a bit. I'll be doing less frivolous spending and more bill-paying. Got things I wanna do!!!
- ELIMINATING NEGATIVE/STRESSFUL PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS: I have found that my tolerance for nonsense and bullshit is reaching a red-zone rapidly. Basically, I am tired of the people that always say they 'can't' do something, when it 's more that that WON'T do something.
Example: Person has money issues, out of work, etc. Person smokes a pack a day. When the suggestion 'Hey why don't you stop smoking and you'll have almost $300 more a month' is put forth, the answer is some derivative of 'This is the only thing that keeps me sane' or 'I'm too stressed and can't quit now'. Ok, then I hope you get kicked out of your apartment because you didn't pay your rent because you spent the money on cigarettes because you are a big dummy. That type of person will be missing from my inner circle in 2015. I don't need you dragging me down when I am trying to climb the ladder of life. If I want stress, I can make one phone call and get ALL the stress I need...not hard to find - I seem to be a magnet. So, goodbye to those that fall into this category. If you aren't sure if you fit into this category and have a guilty conscience about it, ask me...I'll let you know.
- SHOOT MORE SHOWS: Man, I really want to do more photography this year. I don't have all the equipment I want to have at this point, but what I have works great. Really, it's just a cool hobby. I make ZERO money from this, and I would LOVE to monetize it. I may be able to if someone asks to see my stuff for a live album or magazine...but I also don't push the issue and force my will on anyone in the music biz. I'm happy to shoot the shows and want to do more. I am available for hire, but I don't do children's parties :-P Anyway, more...more photography.
- BE AT PEACE WITH WHO I AM BUT DRIVEN TO ALWAYS IMPROVE: We all have something to work on. No matter who you are, there is something that can be improved. Now, I don't say that to bring down anyone or make drama. It's simply the truth and I know I really need to improve myself. One of the things I need to work on is to like 'me' more. I'm not saying I hate myself and feel I am worth less than nothing. Not even close. I like who I am and what I have done, and am proud of it. It's just that there are parts of me that I don't like - internal and external - and I beat myself up over it. I just need to step back more and be more thankful for what I have, and what I want to improve will be improved if I REALLY want to. All up to me.
- BE GOOD: I just want to be good - I want to be good at work, at home, to myself, to others. I want to be good at all I do and leave it all 'on the field'. I don't want to regret not finishing or completing things. I want to be trustworthy and a good friend. I want to be good. This is a lifelong pursuit. It's a tough one...but worth chasing, I think.
That about sums it all up, really. If you wish to share what habits you would like to create I'd love to hear them. In any case, Happy New Year to all! Catch you on the next entry :-)
- M
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
