The up's and down's of the up's and down's

"It's getting to the point where I'm not fun anymore
I am sorry..."
- Crosby, Stills, and Nash, 1969

Just been a 'down' couple of days... Most any time I travel upstate is a down time... Get lonely (not like that is much different at home), bored, nothing to do except work. Fun.

Worst part is, I'm missing someONE for once, but I am really not sure how to feel about it all...too fresh, too new, and too...I dunno... too TOO!

"Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud...
I am lonely"

I sometimes don't know whats worse - knowing you are alone, or being at the beginning of something and NOT KNOWING how to act - or if being yourself just isn't good enough.

These are the things that run through the mind of:
A) Someone with low self esteem
B) Someone who analyzes things too much
C) Someone who is confused and unsure
D) All of the above...

hint - PICK "D"

"Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart"

That is a statement I live by...and if I am laughing, I am putty in the respective hands of the significant (or potential significant) other. More than that, though, I LIKE making people laugh. I think that if it werent for that innate ability, I certainly wouldn't have the friends I do, or met a lot of the people I have.

However, for as much laughter I can make, there is a shit-ton of misunderstanding and misreading of things recently that I am not a big fan of. People are different - everyone is unique - and sometimes I think that I am more familiar to people than I really am. I think that someone should trust me because I am a good person and I mean no harm. I look at people that way (till they fuck me over), and I forget that most people don't think the same way. I'm not gonna say I wish EVERYONE felt that way - to each their own - but I think that some are more leery than others, and that is what hurts me a bit...

"I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are...
You make it hard"

I don't remember for sure (maybe I should read some past blogs) but I think I have mentioned how much I hate paying for the LAST GUY'S issues or damage done... My philosophy is kind of an extension of my philosophy on trust - if someone hurt me in the past, that doesn't mean the next person is gonna do the same thing. New person, new situation, new experience, new memories - it's what you make it.

Am I crazy for thinking this way?

I'd like to think not...

"I've got an answer...
I'm going to fly away...
What have I got to lose?"

Nothing...many times I have nothing to lose...and that is why I think the way I think. I try to give as much of myself as I can. If someone is not willing to accept me for what I am, then there is nothing I can do to change that opinion.

I guess maybe thinking I have nothing to lose is a failing as much as it is a positive. I guess I give too much of myself and someone might not know how to take that - waiting for the other shoe (or hammer) to drop. Thing is, I KNOW that isn't gonna happen...and I am so confident in that, that it's incredibly hard for me to deal with someone who is protecting themself by being cautious. I do get that self-preservation is important...I just don't get when it rules ALL.

I ask again...am I crazy?

Anyone? Bueller?

"I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are...
You make it hard..."


Lyrics blatantly pilfered from "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" by
Crosby, Stills, and Nash
from their self-titled LP released in 1969

I'm not a huge fan, but this is a killer tune...