A Taste of Armageddon: 18 hours I never want to experience...ever again...

I'm broken.

I'm absolutely broken.

I'm a dog lover (actually a lover of most all animals) and believe firmly that dogs rank above most people in my personal chain of 'things I care about'. I love my dogs so much - I don't have kids...I have dogs.

***By the way, when I say "I have dogs", I mean "We". The dogs belong to everyone in my family, and we fight over who gets the dogs to sleep with at night. :-) ***

They mean the world to me, and they are spoiled endlessly. And even then, I feel bad that I don't play with them more, or give them more attention. I guess all parents feel that way from time to time...

I'm on the road in Rochester right now, and as I always do when I am away, I called home last night to say hi and check in on the puppies...

This time, my sister answered - not a shock, since she moved back home this past weekend, but not something I really expected either. I could tell there was something wrong when I asked where Mom was.

"Uh...um...She's with...um...she's out. She's out."

"Ok, how are the doggies?"

"The dogs are ok..." her voice trailed off.
Then she started crying a lot and said "No, everything is not ok with the dogs..."

She tells the the story:

She came home from work and saw Lola with her head bobbing back and forth, not able to move, panting and panicking. Christina picked her up and Lola was completely limp on the lower half of her body - her back legs didn't move, she didn't claw, she couldn't stand let alone walk...
Christina called my mother, and she came home as soon as she could.

They took her to Dr. Greco, our vet, and he took x-rays and did a pain test.

Pain test - negative...she felt nothing.

X-rays showed separation between L-3 and L-4 in her vertebrae.

The Dr. recommended she see a surgeon about this, but that this wasn't too promising. Lola and my mother were at the surgical hospital in Bohemia when I finally got in touch with her.

From what I was hearing, this didn't seem too good at all. My stomach sank and I felt sick. I still do.

She didn't know what she wanted to do - surgery, no surgery, euthanization...it's a tough thing to play God in those situations. Those of you with animals, I don't have to tell you twice - you know this.

If my vote counted at all, I said that unless there was a great chance of success, she should be put to sleep. What I never want is for her or any of our animals to suffer or not be able to lead a happy life. This situation didn't seem to set the table for a positive outcome.

However, the people at the hospital said she had patella reflexes and that she DID feel deep pain - not sure what that meant, but ok...especially since Dr. Greco got nothing. So the decision was made keep Lola overnight, and to inject her with a massive shot of steroids to possibly ebb any swelling and inflammation that may have been clamping down on Lola's spinal cord.

I don't think anyone slept well last night.

"I tried all night not to break down and cry
As the tears rolled down my face
I felt so cold and empty
Like a lost soul out of place"
- Poison, 1990 "Something to Believe In"

I woke up (?) this morning not feeling any better than the night before. I knew that the next phone call I get would be from my mother and it wouldn't be good.

I hate being right sometimes.

The board certified neurologist had looked at the x-rays and examined Lola, and the prognosis was grim. "Maybe", "possibly", and other words were used, but he didn't even recommend doing any other tests to be sure, because he knew that she would never be right. Or even close to it.

My mother opted not to do any surgery, though she told me later that "if there was even a glimmer of hope, I would have latched on to it"... but there was nothing to hold on to.

She left work to go be with Lola. She spent about an hour with her before the needle came. She was petting her and calming her down, keeping her sane. Mom teased Lola a little, asking if she wanted a cookie...Lola perked up a little with that statement. She made sure she gave Lola a kiss for me and told Lola that I loved her very much.

I can't tell you how much it hurt not to do that myself. I'm dieing inside over that. Even typing it now, I feel like someone is hitting me in the stomach with a baseball bat. It's so hard not to be able to say goodbye and to be there for my mother as well. My mother has done this way too often, and it never gets easier.

Then, they administered the needle, and shortly after she was at rest.

I knew it was just a matter of time that I got the call saying it was all over. Hours were like days. That waiting and waiting is absolute torture. You want to scream but can't because you know it won't do any good. On top of that, I was at work, and had to keep it together as much as I could. That didn't work so well...but I survived the day somehow.

I got the call, and what I hoped would happen didn't. In the past, there would be almost a rush of relief because a dog was in pain, or even if it were a sick relative who had passed, and you were almost happy that they were not in pain anymore. I didn't have that this time... This poor dog did not deserve this. She was only 4 1/2 years old. I thought she'd be around for 10 more years. Shit, 10 more DAYS would have been nice...not 10 more minutes. Or 10 more seconds.

But now she is gone...on her way to Rainbow Bridge to play with the other animals. In a land of no steps and shorter couches to jump on. A place where cookies flow like rivers, and she can continue to be a professional sleeper. Damn, that dog could SLEEP!

Here's Lola doing what she did best, along with Scrappy

In my eyes, she was the absolute sweetest dog we ever had. She just wanted to love you (unless you were another dog, I guess), cuddle with you, let you rub her shoulders - and you were more than a criminal if you stopped. She was the great protector, she was the rolling wonder, she was our 'sausage girl'..."Lolee"... "Fatty". Her paw was strong enough to hold your foot down...or so she thought...

Guys, do me a favor, if you have a pet or pets, give them a hug and a treat tonite, because you never know when it will be the last time you do. I didn't know... and I'd give anything for just one more...

I'll have to live without that...and without her...

I miss you and I love you, Lola.