The Human Cadbury Egg

So, I'm a bit of a mess these days...

I know this will pass, but my emotions are in complete hyperdrive and I am having a hard time controlling them.  The reasons why will be explained, but for now just know that this is where I am at currently.

 I feel like the Human Cadbury Egg - hard shell exterior, but completely all sorts of gooey on the inside.

At this point, I am sure you are all asking "well, WHY?  Just spit it out, you turd!"...and it's understandable.  I have this great talent of deflecting from the main issues in order to fill in gaps that don't exist, or adding color commentary when it isn't necessary.  Like now.  See?

Anyways...

It's been a whirlwind since the beginning of the year.  I finished 2014 as the #1 salesperson in my company (for U.S. Independent dealers) which I am incredibly proud of, I started traveling right out of the gate though I promised myself I wouldn't do that this year but the results were outstanding...and I fell in love.  Hard.  Really, really hard.  All good stuff!!!

The last week is where things have gone a bit nutty, though.

My girlfriend lives in New Orleans.  I don't mind that, though...especially considering how much I am on the road, and how much I love that city.  It truly is an amazing place with rich culture, history, great people and great food.  It also has Jolean, and right now that is what matters most.

The physical traveling is fine as well.  I have lots of airline miles from all the flying I have done and they continue to grow.  Now I have a reason to use them!

Since the beginning of the year we have been able to see each other an average of every other week.  For people that live 2,000 miles away from each other, that is pretty remarkable.  In fact, that is pretty good for some people that are married, it seems.

What I am having a hard time grappling with is containing my emotions.  Case and point - this past weekend.

Jolean had come out to Cali to experience the shit show that is NAMM and hang out for a few days.  As we are still getting to know each other more it was nice for her to see what I do and meet the great group of people I work with.  We had an absolute blast together, and dropping her off at the airport was by far the most saddening and hurtful thing I have done in years.  I was completely GUTTED.  I knew then that I needed to see her as soon as possible.

I figured it would be great to visit her this past weekend and continue where we left off - enjoying each others company, letting things just HAPPEN so easy and effortlessly.  Never have I experienced this.  Never has it been so good with so little effort.  This was meant to be...

But this past weekend was not meant to be.  Sadly, this weekend Jolean's mother passed suddenly.  I was in New Orleans with Jolean's family as she expired.  We had spent the better part of 48 hours awake getting her mother an ambulance, into the hospital, speaking with doctors, etc, etc.  It was rough all around - and yet I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with her...just to be there for her no matter what she needed.  If she needed a hug, a kiss, an ear, a punching bag, a sounding board, it didn't matter.  I wanted to be there for her.

I extended my trip an extra day so I could help as much as I could.  I'm glad I did, and I think she was glad as well, though at first she was angry because she didn't want my company being angry at me taking off more time.

I did what I could, and I still felt like I could do more...I just don't know what.  I felt like absolute shit leaving, but I have made plans to return this weekend for the memorial service.

However, since I have left, I have been an absolute wreck.  My emotions feel like they are getting pulled in 25 directions.  I'm glad to go back and see her because I love her so much, but I feel guilty feeling so happy when she is in pain.  On top of that I feel so horrible because she IS in pain.  It's manifesting itself in me.  I get the pangs of overwhelming sadness when I think how I would feel if it were one of MY parents who had passed.  My father is only one year older than Jolean's mom at the time of her death...my mother 4 years younger.  The feeling of mortality is tangible.

I feel terrible because this is Jolean's pain - not mine.  I feel selfish for feeling sad...  It's her who is suffering.  I need to be strong for her, not a weepy mess.  I get all choked up when people tell me that I am a good man for doing what I can to be there for her, but I do it because it's RIGHT...because she is the greatest thing that has come into my life in years...because SHE DESERVES love and respect...but I shouldn't get choked up. Makes me feel almost self-congratulatory even though that isn't where it is coming from.  Am I crazy???

Maybe I am just a complete idiot for feeling like this is wrong...I don't know.  I'm all wrung out so I don't even know if I am thinking completely straight.  I'm writing all this because this is where I come to get things off my chest and to see if there is anyone else that feels like I do.  I'm sure there are...

I'm pretty sure Jolean is going to read this, too.  I hope she understands why I had to get all this out.

If you ARE reading this, Jolean, I need to tell you again that I love you so very much.  I know I say it a lot...but it's your fault - you did this to me! :-)  I've been the hard shell for a long, long time.  I've had my moments of gooey insides underneath this hard exterior, but this is so, so, SO different from anything I have ever experienced.  I have trouble processing it from time to time, so please, bear with me.  I promise it will be worth it.  I will be there for you and fight for you no matter what.  You asked me to promise that and I made that promise to you.

For everyone else, I will say for the record that you need to tell your parents that you love them and give them a big hug.  You just never know what tomorrow will bring.  Be excellent to each other and do something nice for someone tomorrow.  Be supportive, be a friend... just be good.

Peace to all...

 - MV