I don't even know if anyone still reads this...

No, really.  Does anyone even read blogs anymore?

Shit...I almost forgot I had one myself.

It's been 10 months since I had last posted here, and again, it is mainly because no one really reads these things anymore - prove me wrong.

With the advent of social media, people just post their novellas on the likes of Facebook, Instagram, twitter, etc.  I include myself in that grouping.

However, I have come to realize that I need a much LARGER canvas, for lack of a better term, to thoroughly get out my thoughts.  The fact is, this used to be where I would blow off steam...where I would share my successes, my failures, my loves, my losses, my humor, my sadness..and never for anyone but for me to get it off my chest.

There is something immensely cathartic about being able to put your thoughts out into the 'ether'.  It helps me wash things away, in a sense.  Not that they are actually gone - they are still present - but it feels better to type the words and process in a literary way.

I can't say that what I have been going through the past few months are things I wish to discuss COMPLETELY out in the open.  Too many could see...too many could get hurt...too many would know even if I changed names to protect the innocent.

What I CAN say, and what I am WILLING to say, is that I have felt incomplete for a long time now.  I feel like I am on a constant journey of 'finding myself' with no end in sight.  I keep thinking of things that would make me 'happy' when all those things are really just minor distractions - weekend getaways, the occasional 'romp', new toys (which have nothing to do with the 'romping'...jerks :-P ).

Don't get me wrong...it makes for wonderful experiences, stories, and friendships.  ALL of that is quite good and I value all of it.  But I still feel empty.  I feel incomplete.  I feel like I am constantly trying to put a puzzle together, but every time I get close, another piece is missing.  I look under the couch - nope - it's not there.

Maybe behind the entertainment center?  Nuh-uh...

Well, shit...

OH!  I know!!!  Under the sink behind the thing!!  DAMMIT!  NO!  Grrrrrr...  Totally thought it was there!

That puzzle piece I'm looking for?  The toughest part?  I don't even know what it looks like because it keep changing.

Many times I am alone.  And I like it.  I like the solitude, the time to reflect.  I put on movies and view them - view them...not 'watch' them.  Most of the time I am thinking of something else and getting inside my own head.  It's kinda gross, in a way.  It is hard to look at me sometimes.  I don't always like what I see.  Then I move on to the next part - what do I need to do to make it better (as no one will do it for me).

I make the mental list:  Workout more, be more disciplined at work, stop thinking that everyone is judging you, eat better, no carbs, less sugar, lose weight, gain muscle, look better, fit into clothes, save money, spend time with others, let go of hate, embrace happiness...and all of that horseshit...

I give myself the drive, the energy, the will to move on and pursue all of these initiatives...

And 10 min later I'm mentally exhausted, defeated, and back to square one.  I used to have the willpower to do this.  I know it is still there.  What I FINALLY figured out, just recently, is that I lack the PATIENCE to do it all.  I had come so far a few years ago...I got so close to where I wanted to be - I was truly happy.  I was doing well at work, was with the love of my life (at that time), traveling, spending time with good friends, working out and being healthier, being something resembling responsible overall...and it all just fell flat.

And trying to get the energy to get that ramped back up is proving so difficult.  I've been injured, sick, missing goals at work, falling for the wrong women, eating all the foods...and I KNOW what I need to do to fix this...  I'm just not patient.  It sucks.

Can't I click my heels 3 times and make it all right?  Well, no, as I would never be wearing those slippers, a dress that looks like a tablecloth, and I'd have a Boston Terrier...

But that's besides the point...

Anyhoo, this stream of consciousness style of writing helps for sure...but I am done...the NyQuil is kicking in and I have had it with this miserable day.  Please put wishes out there to the universe for me to have a good day tomorrow.  I really need it...sigh...

I promise the next entry in this blog will be more positive...

l8r...