"Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause your the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill..."
- Orgy, 1998
I am swirling in a downward spiral due to a cesspool that I have partially created, but mostly leaves me a victim of circumstance.
I find myself becoming consumed by everything - too much work, not enough free time, free time I have spend somewhere between 11pm and 2am looking for new people to talk to or being rejected by those I already know.
I haven't been out of the house the past few weekends for more than buying food - no fun...Jack has officially become a dull boy.
No distractions leave me thinking too much about what is consuming me too often. It's manifesting itself physically. I cannot sleep without assistance because I fear I will wake up several times thinking about work - and I am usually right.
I have had 3 days off since August 9... I am so very tired...
"If it stayed I'd never leave it if that turned around
I'd grieve the special dirty things that we used to talk about
I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout,
Oh no it's you again"
For the life of me I just can't understand what it is that I have to do to get the attention of some people...
Thing is, in my (non) dating life, the people I kinda fall for are those that seem 'needy' in one way or another, are dysfunctional in some fashion, or just plain fucked up. And I am the asshole who sits there and repeats trends - bailing people out with money I can ill afford to lend only to have it never paid back, crossing my fingers that after I do something nice for someone that they'll actually be friends with me and not take advantage...
But I am proven wrong most of the time and the "Oh no its you again" line keeps coming back to haunt me.
What is wrong with me? Or is it me? Or my choices? Or just that people are just so fucked and self-absorbed that they'll be just nice enough to suck you in and then fuck you over without them losing an ounce of sleep.
As I have said in the past, I don't wanna change this part of me, because I like and enjoy being a giving and helpful person... I just want to know when Karma is gonna pay me a visit and help ME out for a change.
I always think, "Well, maybe I should have died today, but Karma was paying you back by keeping you going another day". I dunno...maybe that is true, but really, is there any way to really know? For real, I need a Karma Payback flow chart and see where I lie on it all...I wanna know if I still owe or if I'm owed - and if I can cash in...
I think I deserve better - in ALL aspects of my life. I've put in blood , sweat, and tears, and I feel, for the most part, that the most I have gotten is an 'Atta boy!' and a kick in the pancreas.
This isn't meant to be a pity session here, if that is what is being thought. No...what it is is a venting session. I have held in too much for too long and am destined to explode if I don't get some of this out...
Now, if you have read any of my past blogs, you know I am a bit more specific on certain things, but I can;t this time...these are more conceptual issues...philosophical in nature. Things where lines are blurred - and not chemically. This isn't outside the box, it is why the box even exists in the first place... and does it have a purpose or is it still undefined potential.
"So precious you know
This hate of mine exploded
I'm so deranged you know
I will never be deceived"
For all my bitching about getting taken advantage of, I do have to say that I KNOW it's coming...I'm just hopeful that it really won't endup that way...but alas...
I'm not ever deceived, I'm just a schmuck...hoping that people are inherently good. I do wish that to be the case...I really do... The optimism isn't really there, though, and there inlies the problem - my hatred and eventual DIStrust becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I almost make people fuck me over I think... I set myself up for failure right from the outset.
I'm my own easiest victim and my own worst enemy all rolled into one...
"Tying yourself to me
Stitch up my emptiness
'Cause you're the death of me
So precious, loving the thrill"
I hope that those that have fucked me over are relishing the moment at least... Enjoy the thrill...eventually that thrill is gone... I am not toy - I don't come with kung-fu grip, nor do I enjoy being played with. I am not a chess piece - I am not a pawn in your personal chess game.
Checkmate.
"I will never be deceived"
Till next time...
- Mike
p.s. Anyone wanna go to Florida with me early November? looking for travel partner...maybe...
Lyrics stolen from "Stitches" by Orgy
from the 1998 release "Candyass"
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1 comment:
I have stood in your shoes and know how it feels to have people take advantage over and over again. It is a very defeating feeling. But we do it because it is in our nature to be good people, no matter the cost. Sucks to be us.
Now, i have a big problem with people in general who work way to much and don't take the time they need for themselves. You're right, Jack is a dull boy. But who's fault is that? Maybe it's time to cut your hours....get a new job...put your foot down about the amount of hours that you work. How can you expect to have friends, much less an actual relationship, if you are not willing to invest any time into it? I have often said, on the rare occasions that i see you online, that we should go out sometime...get coffee or lunch or something. Kind of hard to do that when i don't see you again here for weeks or months!
So if you are unhappy with your life, then you have to do something to make it better. Waiting for karma to happen while you are plodding down the same old path is not going to work. YOU need to make some changes.
Just as a little side note, i love the way your write! Have you ever written anything besides blogs? Stories or anything?
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