I have become the infinite darkness....

I apologize for the dark tone of this particular blog - no song, no merriment, one mini joke - but I needed an outlet, so I do it here and put it all on display for ridicule cause I am a sick person.

I'm tired...so very tired...

I wake up every day to the sound of my alarm buzzing. My annoyance with my daily existence can be likened to hearing that buzzing all day...loudly...from a 15" speaker....right next to your head.

This is not a self-loathing thing, this is just a dissatisfaction with the daily grind that I (and many others in this world) go through every day. We all want something more, but are unsure of how to get it.

If we know how to get it, then we come up with some excuse not to do it.

If we don't have an excuse not to do it, we then submit to self-sabotage in order to ruin it.

Or is this just me?

Maybe this is just me being sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I just can't get my head wrapped around getting anything done anymore. I have become the king of all ideas and best intentions, and the master of no follow thru. You know what they say - the road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I guess at this point I am acting as my very own 'road paving' company.

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to attain, so many levels of satisfaction I wish to feel... Biggest problem here is I want them all at the same time and to keep them forever. I have to keep reminding myself that life is a series of moments - I even spoke about this in an earlier blog - and that I wish to preserve those memories forever. But in order to create new memories you have to sometimes let go of older ones otherwise you can wind up holding yourself to an unattainable standard - you CANNOT relive things - for better or worse.

Each event is its own unique experience - I DO forget that all too often. Anyone remember the definition of 'crazy' that I brought up on this blog before? It's "repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different result."

I am crazy, by this definition...clinically insane. I used to think this was a good thing and a bad thing, but now, it's mainly bad.

No, it's all bad.

Again, I find myself in situations that I keep hoping for the best and instead wind up with the shit end of the stick. I look back and see about 15 different ways I could have gone about things, but I didn't because I am a self-destructive (but handsome) person who would rather give of himself to a perfect stranger then to take care of his own well being.

All this and I think I am one of the most selfish people I know...

I want it all...I want everyone to be happy and I want to be the one who made them happy so I can brag about how happy I make everyone - and then be happy because of that.

What the HELL is wrong with me? Can I be MORE narcissistic?

I'm really good at self-loathing, so I guess it makes sense that I'm horrible at self-loving - taking it to that extreme at times in my own mind.

Really, days like this that cause me to feel this way...fuck...I just wanna get on a plane and go somewhere, and call it a day. I think I need to win mega-millions.

No, I KNOW I need to win mega millions...and that will make me get back into crazy mode - I'll play again, thinking I will win...but I won't.

Then again, you gotta be in it to win in, right?

Someone help me...