Does it Make Me Bad?

"I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation...
There's so much shit around me,
Such a lack of compassion"

- Korn, 1999

I've been a bad, bad boy...

At least I think I have been...or have I?

Without getting into too much detail...well...I dunno. I guess I still find myself getting into situations that I know aren't the best thing for me - but I have absolutely no will power to say 'no'.

At the same time, I think I don't say 'no' because I want to be everything to everyone, so it makes me happy to be/mean something to someone else.

So, essentially, I am getting myself into touchy territory in order to make myself and/or others happy...mainly others...and in the end NO ONE winds up being happy. Blah...

I know, this is all kinda cryptic - that's to protect the innocent (I'm the guilty, I guess). But I will say it's not without compassion - in fact, maybe TOO much compassion... ugh...

"I thought it would be fun and games,
Instead, it's all the same...
I want something to do,
Need to feel the sickness...in you."

Everybody wants to have a good time...all the time. I don't know of anyone who says "yeah, I need some misery...Can't WAIT! WOOO!!!" Unfortunately, the reality of it is without the downside you might never know how to see the upside of things. By the same token, too much downside can DEFINITELY make it WAY harder to see the UPSIDE of things. BLAH!!! I see so much downside in myself that I really make it hard for me to see the good in me.
Not like I do things to help me see the good in myself. Every 'good' thing I do, I feel is for selfish reasons (see 1st paragraph), and I can't shake that feeling sometimes. Sucks, but hey, it is what it is for now...I'm still very much a work in progress.

All I know is that things are getting better - and I know this because I am forcing myself to look at things with different eyes - and to say 'no' occasionally. Maybe not as much as I really NEED to say 'no', but you have to start somewhere...

"I feel the reason as it's leaving me,
No, not again...
it's quite deceiving, as I'm feeling the flesh
Make me bad"

I don't think of me as a bad person overall, really. I'm just a good person who does bad things - mainly to himself. My personal feeling was that sometimes a 'victimless crime' (i.e. something that affected no one directly but myself) was better than imposing my crap on others, but the truth of the matter is that it DOES get put on others whether that was the intention or not. Just the sheer fact that I share this info here (or personally) with my friends, etc, makes me put my shit onto others. SO, lemme apologise again for all this crap...yeah, it's my way of dealing with things- my personal catharsis - but those of you that read this regularly probably don't walk away with feelings of sunbeams and cotton candy! For that, I am sorry...wasn't my intention. All I ever intend by this is to purge these poisons that are coursing through my veins and in my brain and spill them out for dissection - so that maybe someone who feels the same way doesn't feel alone as I sometimes do.

You aren't alone...and it's ok...I am positive it gets better....

"What does it mean to you?
For me, it's something I just do
I want something
I need to feel the sickness...in you."

I feel your pain, really I do... I understand, and I get it... I don't expect everyone to understand ME, because my mind is a scrambled mess, but those of us that share these feelings - we are all very much the same. Sometimes to a fault. Sometimes to the point where we butt heads. But that is ok - I understand why...

So what am I doing to make this improve? Well:

• I said 'no' to a Vegas trip...as much as it pained me to do so - but I have to restrain...
  
• I have taken a stronger approach to work - more dedicated and "get 'er done" in nature...
  
• I am spending more time being creative - mainly musically - which helps me get all this anger and hatred out and turn it into 'tongue-in-cheek' style humor, set to music (Just wait for the next dance sensation "Great Big Fat Person (Ill, yo!)" which will be finished shortly...a surefire hit - at least on my iPod).
  
• Writing has commenced on my book...and I'd like to thank all of you that had submitted ideas fo--- oh, that's right, NO ONE DID!! Fuckers!!! :-) Still looking for great titles to write for...
• Wait, that isn't true... "Triumph over the Fog" was one... but I am unsure how to approach that one yet...

Anyways, this sorta somber blog DOES have a happy ending. Apart from feeling physically ill (nursing a cold now), I actually feel better than I have in a while overall. I have reconnected with a lot of old friends and it's good to talk and see them from time to time. My future seems a little more clear and bright, and I have a couple of bucks in the bank for the first time in forever. I have a list of goals that I wish to accomplish this year (I'll share these as I finish them) and they are all attainable. I am still incredibly handsome. ;-) I still have a good ear for music, and I can still make people laugh - maybe more so than ever now...

So, I don't think all this makes me bad... if anything it forces me to try to be good - and that really isn't the worst thing in the world. I control my own destiny, and I want it to be for better as opposed to for worst...

Anybody else along for the ride? Let's heal...

"I feel the reason as it's leavin' me
No, not again...
it's quite deceiving as I'm feeling the flesh
Make me bad"

Does it make me bad?
Does it make me bad?
Does it make me bad?"

Nope, it doesn't... :-)

Later!!!

Lyrics used completely without permission
from "Make Me Bad" by Korn
off the 1999 release "Issues"
Immortal/Epic records